There is a saying that goes something like this..."The Past is history, the future is a mystery, but right now is the present - thats why they call it a gift." As I walk my path of recovery I find that, from time to to time, I drift between these three time zones as a disservice to myself. My sponsor has said to me while we are talking, "Why are you worrying about this or that...It's in the future which my crystal ball can't see what's going to happen." or "Why stress over what has happened in the past...it's over and done with." I hear his voice ring so clearly in my head as I continue to revert back to the present in our conversations. Today, for this moment is all I have and while I'm in the present in my head, I'm in recovery. If I'm anguishing over the past I keep repeating the same old themes in my head and keep myself stuck in my shame and guilt, acting out to try to restore my sanity which just perpetuates the cycle of shame over and over in a insidious film of horror. That obviously is not the answer. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, that keeps us focused on why we're in recovery in the first place. Additionally, worrying about the future doesn't work either. What could or would or might happen keeps me stressed out and doesn't allow me to spend time in the moment where things are revolving in a time frame that I can adjust to as needed, with the tools of my recovery at my side. The tools are only available in the present...when and where I need them the most. I'm grateful to my sponsor for his teachings of the "Living in the present." I can relax as I move forward in my recovery knowing that this moment is the only moment I have to think about...the rest of life, he say's "...will take of it's self. Just believe." So I take his suggestion to heart and try to remind myself when I'm not in the moment to get back there so I can enjoy the peace and serenity of my program. God bless you all on your journeys. Thank you Papa. |
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Today is today. Today I am sitting here writing this entry. I am working on my recovery. I am looking for work. I am volunteering my time. I am working on my business. I am playing with my dogs. Later today I will clean my house and do some laundry. Beyond this I don’t have to worry about yet. Yes, I have “plans” of what I will need to accomplish tomorrow and over the course of the next week. But all I need to do is focus on today. As long as I focus on today, everything seems to take care of itself.
Living moment to moment has given me a freedom. Reliving the past the trying to control the future takes work. Today I have the freedom to turn all of that over to my Higher Power because I am not in control of the outcomes. I am only in control of what I do each day. And as long as I do what I need to do each day, I am pretty sure that the outcomes will continue to be what they need to be.
So for today, I will focus on today and tomorrow, well, that is tomorrow so I am not going to worry about that right now.
If I live in the Now and focus on my Lessons of Recovery, then my actions, deeds and responsibilities will all be in harmony bringing positive things into my mind, body and soul.
Whenever my thoughts drift to the Past, my mind gets foggy, my body becomes ill and my soul loses strength.
The Present offers me renewal and sobriety. The ability to change my attitude and be a positive person, the opportunity to make things right and make amends, and it affords me a second chance at life the way my Higher Power intended it to be, full of love, peace, serenity and hope for a bright future.
In the mean time, I live in the here-and-now enjoying the sunshine G-d has provided.
That is a very precise and clear thought for me, because it is truth.
I can not change the past, the mistakes or the consequences created by them. if I dwell on the past and my mistakes, I do not move forward, and that makes me unable to grow and change. Living in the present allows me to think about growing as a person and making amends for the damage I have caused, and gives me the opportunity to move forward as a new and changed spiritual being.
The future is not mine to know; however, by living in the present and doing what I can TODAY to help myself and others around me, I have the opportunity to shape and form a future that is better than any I can imagine at this time. Like a seed planted today that will grow into a strong and sturdy tree that can weather even the worst storms. Each day is like that seed, and the positive steps I take in my growth each day will help my life resemble that tree: strong, sturdy, and able to support myself and others.
So today is where I live, because it is the only thing I am assured of. I use the gift of today to make my future a place of hope and not fear.
I am learning that quiet and calm are ok. For example I used to describe my life as a tornado spinning wildly about, but when I got to the eye of the storm and things were calm I would never trust it because I just KNEW that I would get slammed with the other side of the storm. In my days of active addiction that was true, but today in my time of active recovery, the quiet and calm time is exactly that. I am no longer in the crazy cycle of "the addict storm".
It took a very long time to get here but now that I am I appreciate the present moment and being aware of each moment as I live it in clarity and not the foggy haze of addiction.
I find that being in the present for me centers around step 3. To be centered in the present, I need to turn things over to my higher power. I have to constantly make the decision to allow my higher power in. When I dwell on the past and the future, I am essentially trying to take back control.
While this holiday season I am struggling to stay in the present due to the death of my father, I am also reminded that had I not been in the present, I would not have had the good times with my father. Being present with my father gave me some really amazing gifts including the chance to make my ammends and repair my relationship with him. While I will never forget him, I have to focus on today. Today is my recovery, my mother, my partner, and helping others.
Thank god for the program - for both of us. I have watched my partner blossom into the most incredible man I have ever dreamed of, while finding improvements and new strength within myself.
Today we are happier, closer and more connected than ever. I am beyond smitten with my partner and have reached a place where I am incredibly grateful for the once-painful memories that brought us both to this program. We are both so much better for it.
Today, I trust my partner. It is a gift I give gladly as time and our work has healed the betrayals. Today, I believe in my partner and have the deepest admiration for him. I thank God for the incredible man he has become and for the lucky star that placed me by his side.
Whatever stage you may be in in each of your own recoveries, I hope that you know that it absolutely IS possible to once again reach a place where your once-wounded partner's heart can heal and find a love even deeper than before. It works if you work it, so please - work it (you are BOTH worth it).
Have hope. Trust that was destroyed once can never be "earned" back - but through your program, it is much more likely that it will be gifted to you once more with a glad heart by a grateful partner.
I loved my partner before his betrayal. After, I struggled for a long time and eventually found healing together. The love I have for him today is so much greater and stronger than it was before because now I know that we can truly overcome everything together.
It works if you work it. Work it, you ARE worth it.
Thank you to each and every one of you. Whether you know it or not, you may have touched my partner's life - and through him, my own. Your fellowship in his life is wonderful and so appreciated.
While we may dwell on the past or dream about the future, the only time that really exists is the present. Failure to live in the present wastes the only moment that actually matters.
As people talk anout oil and other non renewable resources they usually fail to mention the most important one,time. Once a moment is wasted it can never be recovered. Live each moment as if it may be your last. Live it fully in the present and you will get more from it than you have ever imagined.