In step one we admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable. For me I should add to that “and that our lives had become unbalanced!” However, it would be more accurate to say that my life was never balanced. Prior to being in recovery, I did not know how to lead a balanced life. I could not focus on more than one thing at a time. And the one thing that I focused on, I did 250%, just like a true addict. So of course, everything else in my life suffered. As a result, if I was focused on work, my health and relationships suffered. If I was focused on my health, work suffered. Get the picture. Even in early recovery I could not figure this out. It took some time falling back into my old routines to finally realize that my ways don’t work. I had to hit another emotional bottom before I started to turn things around. Then I finally learned what it meant to surrender, what it meant to turn things over to a Higher Power, what it meant to put myself first, and what it meant to take care of myself. It took me about two years into my recovery to figure this out, but I finally did. And once I did I started to slowly work towards a more balanced life. Today my life is the most balanced it has ever been. I won’t say it is completely balanced because I always think there is room for improvement in everything that I do. But today, I work my program, I take care of my health and my body, I take care of my finances, I take care of my relationships and I take care of my work. I do each of these at their appropriate levels and the result has been a more peaceful and serene life moving forward towards having the promises come true in ways that I never thought possible. Thank you Higher Power and everyone that has helped me along the way and continues to help me. |
   |
In the depths of my addiction, balance meant being able to keep my 'acting out' hidden, surviving another day of covering my tracks, making sure my lies added up to a possible 'truth' or a version of it.
Today, I am better at balancing my recovery, my relationships with my daughter, my girlfriend, my family, friends, and fellow brothers and sisters in SAA. I am not distracted at work by temptations of acting out or worrying whether there is some moment around the corner where I may be 'busted', like those horrible phone calls I used to get from my ex-wife - my whole body would tighten, I would feel nauseous, ashamed, and completely physically horrible. I am grateful to lose that feeling and gain the feelings of accomplishment, honesty, trustworthiness, and accountability.
As the recovery continues, it gets easier to stay on a balanced path while I also remember that any day I am capable of stepping off into the abyss of pain and shame. I am grateful for my sponsor, my program, my therapy, and my higher power for my progress so far.
However, I find myself continuing to slip up and need more focus. This particular post connected with me, because I look back over my life and realize that I always have zeroed in one particular thing at a time, neglecting other responsibilites, indeed interests and passions, because I simply lacked the ability to recognize it. I would turn away from people I love and cherish by isolating myself. I would take hours out of my time in pursuing my addiction via the typical rituals, etc. Then, I'd feel horrible for not resisting. Now I see that I was and am indeed powerless other this thing.
I am now trying to find balance by using my home treadmill five mornings a week, lifting weights, trimming back aspects of my diet, reading and journaling and seeing the many blessings I have in life. My wonderful, loving, supportive and loyal partner of nine years has stood by and with me. He is a great source of comfort and an example of how gay men can reach out, be there for each other and, most importantly, embrace sobriety and healthy living when it seems impossible. To him, I say a great big thank you!
Spiritually speaking, I am just beginning the path to understanding God's role in my recovery, indeed my life and happiness. I see that I must turn myself over to Him, in order to find the balance and contentment I so crave. It's ironic - I crave thoughts and temptations that are all-consuming, but what I really need is to crave life.
The last part of this post refers to the addict reacting like a vampire to the light of spirituality. I couldn't agree more. I need to find that ability, that inner strength. Any words of encouragement?
This is all a lack of balance. I need to relax and slow down. Be more spiritual. Take more time making decisions and then live with those decisions. I am slowly having more and more good days.
Since being in recovery, I have found so much more time to "balance" my life. My work performance has gotten so much better, I enjoy my kids and wife much more than I ever have, being a better father and husband, my health is getting better as I have found time to exercise instead of acting out, and my spiritual side is growing by working my program. Plus many other wonderous things are emerging....
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance all of it... Man it is not easy.
However,
It is simply amazing to me the things I've experienced since being in recovery. How my life has begun to balance itself (so long as I let my HP guide it).. OH, there's that word again -- "BALANCE"... You would think it's such a simple term but a term that doesn't exist in the vocabulary of an addict who is deep in their addiction. But, once you've found it, you will begin to see the rewards it starts to bring...WOW!! What a tremendous feeling of living life the way God(HP) has intended.
Thank You to all who share, Thank you LJ for giving back to the program and showing all of us and the new comers that it works, Thank you to my wife Christina for staying with me, and Thank You to my HP for being patient until I was ready to listen. I AM SOBER. Be Well All.. Keep Sharing!!!!!!!
I think that's my biggest challenge today: Not simply knowing how to work to achieve balance, but knowing how to maintain it -- and be aware of it - when so much chaos (at home, work, in some of my relationships) is all around me.
Once again, I have to thank LJ for the topic today and the others who have shared their thoughts and experiences so eloquently.
One way for me is that when I am balanced, the day seems longer, more enjoyable. I attend to ALL my needs, instead of obsessing on just one. The priority scale mentioned by LJ is great - first Spirituality, then Recovery next, then spouse, then kids and finally work. This is close to the opposite of my pattern when controlled by my addiction.
When I obsess, I do one thing all day and the day is gone before I know it. When I find balance, the day is a long, wonderful, rewarding, satisfying event. I would like to go from having a minority of these latter days to a big majority! Thanks to all for such great shares.