recoverymonologue.com

When The Chains That Bound Us Are Broken

Posted 7/22/2009 @ 6:30:16 pm by recoverymonologue.com

The word freedom appears in my mind when I think of the title to this entry. In my addiction I was liken to a slave and enslaven to a life of demoralization, shame and constant grief. I could not see the hedious nature of this beast. Denial worship me and kept me starved for affection. It wasn't until I had my epiphany and realized I was a sex addict that my actions and behaviours came to light. By shining light on my diesease I could begin to see just how my delusional thinking got me to the level of depravity I had attained. Fortunatly, I found the rooms of SAA and my recovery began. Through guidance and suggestions from a sponsor and my fellows I came to understand the solution was upon me. As it states in the promises, I began to know a new freedom and new happiness. I wasn't waking up in fear of the last lie that I told. I wasn't fearful that I was going to go to jail or that I was loosing my sanity. That feeling of uselessness and self pity started to disappear. I was on a journey, not in survival mode. Friends began to trickle back into my life. I was gaining self esteem. I know today my recovery is my salvation and holds the keys to the freedom I so deeply wanted, but never knew how to obtain. Forever free from the monster who lives in the shadows and yearns to have my soul. Grateful for my Higher Power for the gifts that I have received, one day at a time.

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Comments (7):

  • Ted N @ 07/22/2009 ( 8:46:00 PM )
    I used to be chained to my addiction. I could not go a day without acting out in one way or another. In addition, more than just the specific acting out, my addictive behaviors were so out of control that my life was completely unmanageable. In that respect I was also bound to my addiction.

    Today I am grateful that I am free from the chains of my addiction. No, I am not cured nor will I ever be. I have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, which I have to work on all the time. As long as I do, I live free from the compulsion to act out and the impulses that I used to get are less and less. And when I do get them, I can use the tools of the program instead of have them turn into that compulsion like I used to. I pray everyday for one more day of sobriety, that is all I ask of my Higher Power. So far it is working - One day at a time, right.
  • Ally @ 07/23/2009 ( 1:45:17 PM )
    Chains the bound me... not wanting feel the pain of withdrawl bound me. Withdrawl is/was excurating for me to go with out my high even for a day was seemingly impossible but what I wound up doing was quitting my acting out in stages.

    I know for some people they have to quit cold turkey and just deal with the pain... I didn't do it that way and subsequently caused myself alot more pain but by withdrawing away from my chains one at I time I got more and more time away from each inner circle behavior.

    I still struggle with my chains but they are not the noose they once were.
  • Kreg @ 07/23/2009 ( 7:38:49 PM )
    I feel that I am still bound by the chains of my addiction. I am not acting out nor do I have thoughts of acting out. However, I feel I have broken those links but I still have more links to break through in order to reach my full potential of freedom. Some links will forever be there ecspecially the addiction link, which seems to have a mind of its own. But if I can keep the pieces of the links apart and maybe banish them to different ends of the earth, I can survive and WILL survive. I can see how easily the links can reappear in different forms in order to catch me off guard. I am sober today.. one day at a time I wiil fight each link until I have broken them all.....
  • Tom @ 07/25/2009 ( 1:40:53 PM )
    The analytical side of me likes to connect the dots, or identify the links in a chain. Unconciously I have been trying to win the approval and affection of my father all of my life. I was imperfect, so I tried to be perfect. Of course this did not work and I became angry at myself for not being good enough. However, this was all on an unconcious level because I became very adept at suppressing these feelings of inadequacy and creating a false sense of self that became my persona to the world. I told myself that I am in control and can handle anything that comes my way. The addiction began to take hold in adolescence as a way of soothing the feelings of inadequacy, shame and guilt that I rejected and suppressed. Then the anger reared its ugly head because of course I was not able to be perfect and therfore gain my fathers approval and affection. This anger never saw the light of day. Instead it came out sideways by my being impatient, irritated, or annoyed with others whenever they got in the way of my attempts to control my life and environment. The addiction grew as a way of soothing my frustration and anger with others, my inability to be perfect, or to be in control, in other words my life. While all the time I believed I had it all figured out and was in total control, or nearly so. Sure I was isolated, had a little secret life, and did not really know what intimacy was, other than that I had it together. So my life became more and more controlled by my addiction. Then one day a little over ten months ago my secret life, my false persona, my delusions of control, the insanity of my lies, deceit and rationalizations came face to face with reality as expressed by my wife's rage. Feelings of shame, guilt, demoraliztion, and despair overwhelmed me. That is when my Higher Power took the opportunity to re-introduce me to my inner strength, my inner spirituality that had been so neglected, and I began to disclose who I am to my wife,and then to fellows in SAA and to my therapist. I continue this journey of recovery, honesty and integrity building a new way of life. The chain that bound me, the unmet need for a fathers approval and affection has been broken. A new chain representing a healthy and spiritual way is being forged by recovery, honesty, integrity, self love, fellowship, and the tools of recovery. And I am grateful.
  • Ally @ 08/06/2009 ( 9:12:08 AM )
    Yesterday I broke just one link... yesterday I said no. Today is a struggle but today I am going to try and break another link and make these chains unbind me so that I can stop drowning in this deadly addiction.
  • Beau @ 08/16/2009 ( 2:51:35 PM )
    I liked reading the previous comments. What stood out for me is the connection between the chains that enslave me and my delusional thinking. It has taken me a long time in recovery to really accept the fact that this disease results in delusional thinking. From day one I was ready to accept that I had delusional thinking around my acting out behavior. What I either didn't realize or was in denial about for a long time was that I also had delusional thinking about everything else in my life. The danger for me is that when this delusional thinking is applied to my relationships and/or my work for instance, the results are predictably chaotic and the stress of handing the chaos can point me in the wrong direction.

    The solution for me is to surrender my will, my life, and my delusional thinking to my HP on a DAILY basis, and when the stinking thinking creeps up on me, I need to bust it right away with the tools of the program.
  • Anon @ 11/05/2009 ( 8:50:57 PM )
    Many years ago chains were use to bind the slaves so that they couldn't run away. These chains kept the slaves from escaping to freedom. In much the same way the chains of addiction kept me from escaping to freedom. Unlike the chains of years ago, these chains were rooted deep within my soul and I had the power to break them available to me. Submitting to that power, even though I wanted to, was a very difficult action. Until these chains were broken I was a slave to my addiction as much as the slave of old was a slave to his master. My addiction was my master. My master would tell me to do things that I did not want to do yet I had no choice but to do them. I hated my master as much as the slave of old, yet like his chains, I couldn't break free.

    Today I have a chainsaw that allows me to cut those chains and be free. Like any saw cutting through a chain, it takes hard work and a good blade. In this fellowship and program I have found the blade that can set me free. Provided I take the continual action required, I can be forever free and begin a life anew as a free man, never again having to obey the master that I hated.
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