How committed do I really have to be to my recovery in order to have the promises fulfilled in my life. Well lets see...I know for me its all or nothing. As it says in "How It Works" ...half measures availed us nothing. And well they should. I found out when I slipped just how true the comment was. In the beginning of my recovery I listened to my sponsor and took his suggestions. I called every day and to at least three people in program. I journaled, went to meetings and made it a point to change people, places and things. I did great and the promises of "The Promises" start to permiate into my life. Five months later I had a slip, I took control of my life back in my hands. What a brutal mistake. I stopped listening to my sponsors suggestions, I didn't call regularly like I was suppose to, I began isolating really badly and I missed meetings. I thought that I had a better way and I was going to prove it to the world. My sponsor wanted to fire me and I deserved that. Two months of half measures and I hit my bottom. I came into a meeting and begged for God's mercy. What I realized was my sponsor, with all his experience, knew better than I did. What I learned was that the program works. I turned my will over to my higher power and began living, 100% committed to my recovery. I'm an addict. Left to my own devices I will fall on my face over and over again. Putting my recovery first above everything keeps me in sobriety, one day at a time. |
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I realize in this program that the effort must be better, a slip is always a possibility without true commitment and without keeping the 'eyes on the prize'. While we aim for 'progress not perfection', I realize I am capable of 'full measures' of effort on things I am passionate about: being a great father, excelling at my career, working on my new relationship, being a great friend, and in some other areas. I must continue to work on my commitment to recovery, at this point I feel better about it than at any other point in my life while remaining guarded about the potential traps and pitfalls always lurking around the corner.
Checking in:
Last night that relationship took me to a new level, I finally forgave myself with my Higher Power's help. I wrote a poem about my epiphany which I'd like to share. I know this wouldn't have been possible without the level of commitment I have now.
A Beautiful Life
I've broken the law and now go on trial,
This case has a huge and difficult file.
It will take about 6 months, the argument's gruling,
As defendant I'm not sure what will be the ruling.
My life is in the hands of the toughest jury,
They have little mercy they've been through this fury.
When the sentence is read I will look to the sky,
I know this jury well it's me, myself and I.
The prosecutor he makes a very strong case,
I'm ashamed of my sins and cry in disgrace.
My lawyer hugs me and comfort he brings me,
Says I know this Judge, don't worry he'll forgive thee.
First you must show that you are sincerely repentant,
It's his laws you have broken, The 10 Commandments!
G-d is my witness, lawyer and judge,
His help I have sought through this muck and this drudge.
Has the jury reached a verdict? He sternly asked,
I prayed on my knees when He read it I gasped.
I forgive you my son but be vigilant and wary,
Lest you break them again life will be really scarry.
I had come through the fire and now must make amends,
The heart I have broken will take time to mend.
She showed me compassion even through all her pain,
She was there at the trial when the epiphany came.
G-d thank you for giving me more time on this earth,
I won't let us down I'll show you my worth.
Your blessings I thank you, for my kids and my wife,
I love them so much, what a beautiful life.
ML 6-19-09
For me it's be committed and stay committed!!
A meeting everyday? A sponsor call each day?
Rigorous honesty?
Just these three important commitment actions I need to take each day seemed overwhelming at first.
I fearded I wouldn't have the energy for the effort required.
But what effort does it take? For me so far, more effort than I have ever put into anything in my life (except, of course, for the effort and energy I put in my addiction).
And that's the point.
Oddly, it's my addict that has shown me that I have what it takes.
My addict proved time and time again that I have the energy. My addict showed me arguably superhuman strength in its efforts to act out. My addict was able to spend enough energy, time, dollars; endure pain, misery, and loathing; and create chaos, destruction, and dismay with "shock and awe" level strength.
My addict crushed my self and the lives of those I care about as well as well as the lives of people I'll never see again.
That is a lot of energy. And now at the turning point, through my commitment, that is the very fuel available to me to carry out my commitment to mission sobriety.
So how much commitment does it take? A lot. Will I have the energy? I will. Its proven.
I see it around me. I see the commitment in the actions of those in recovery.
But to remain in recovery, I have to put those actions, recovery actions, first. I didn't get that. I have a hard time remembering it even now. But I do get it. I see now that those that put their actions of commitment before, in front of, ahead of everything else, like Work, friends and even family, stay in recovery.
Family is a really hard one to take.
And when I take that action, putting my recovery ahead of my family - especially my kids and my wife - it takes a lot of energy; requires feeling a lot of sadness and loneliness.
In front of family? It takes an ability to do what's counterintuitive. My family has been my support. And they have. But placing their support in front of my committment - odd as it seems to me -is just the ticket to relapse.
For today, I will put my committment to my program ahead of my family. Ouch. But it works. I'm worth it.
Recovery is not just about me. My entire life is centered around the principals of our program.
Without complete honesty my self esteem would not be where it is today. My relationship would not be where it is today. My career would not be where it is today. My relationship with my kids would not be where it is at today.
Looking back, the road my addiction took me down was dark and hopeless. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I expected to get caught and I did not enjoy my life.
Today all is clear. I am able to see what I need to do, have the confidence to get it done and even though our economy is in a deep recession, we are able to communicate our financial problems, celebrate our financial successes and work together throughout.
I recommend a complete commitment, first to the program, then to your life, relationship, kids and career. You will be amazed.
I am committed to being consistent. That's a big one for me. I arrive on time, or a little early. I call my sponsor each day at the same time. I work hard at getting the 1 hour minimum of recovery reading or prayer done every day. I journal, daily. For me, these are huge commitments. Other than in school and business, I have almost never kept any commitment consistently. School and business were more of a commitment to others than a commitment for me and my recovery. Today my commitment to recovery is for me.
My recovery efforts are beginning to bear fruit. For the first 60 days in my life I am without acting out.
I attribute it all to my higher power, my sponsor and the work that is the action of commitment. To take action for me is take commitment from concept and transform it into reality. In the past I was often "committed" or so I said and thought. But work, effort, the expenditure of energy, that's what I believe has begun to free me from the bondage of addiction. Its not easy. The promises I make must be kept; the choices today are to put recovery first; the free time must come behind the time that needs to be spent on recovery. Because ours is a disease that does not come neatly packaged with an antidote or a silver bullet or some prescription for a magical drug that can cure it, we have nowhere on earth to turn than to our Higher Power for the strength to carry out our commitment to recovery. And with out a commitment, I haven't ever succeeded. I am grateful to have been graced by my higher power with the energy to exercise my strength and endurance and by his will, take action. Actualized commitment for me has been one of the rebuilding blocks as I reform a foundation of recovery. And.......best of all........I am learning recovery is free, but you need to pay no less than 100% in commitment to get it.
Never the satisfaction of an intimate relationship, never the feeling of a job well done, never the confidence of being a whole person, an honest and committed person. A half a person. A half a life.
Recovery has given me a glimpse of being the person I want to be, to being an authentic human being, the person that my H.P. expects of me. And that's a great gift.