I decided to talk about something that is near and dear to me, living. As each new day passes I thank my higher power for another day free from my addiction because I know that thats all I have. One day at a time. Which then gets me to think about being alive. I do a reality check. I remember that today I'm alive. By the grace of God I'm alive. If I had stayed in my addiction three and a half years ago today I would have joined others as a statistic, another dead addict. I know my addiction wants to kill me, wants to suck the spiritual life right out of me. That's the reality I live with each day. I've come to respect my addiction because I know it's power. I know what drives it. This is why I do a reality check each and every day, just to remind me where I stand. I'm an addict, my thinking is not normal. Sure my obsessions have lessened as the years have gone by, but I'm still on my toes watching each and every minute carefully because I don't know when my addict may rear it's ugly head. I've already been blindsided in the past. That prove to be a very valuable lesson. So just for today, for this moment I enjoy my reprieve from my addiction, diligently watching ever so carefully for what the next moment offers. You might say I'm a little rigid, but I know from experience and from the experience of my fellows that reality is that this disease really does want to kill me. So be careful and watch your footing as you walk your paths and be alert to the pebbles in the path, it could be your addiction playing a trick on you. |
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Even tonight as I type this my addict is screaming at the top of her lungs to act out, tonight is a white knuckle night for me. I have made my calls, I have done my reading, I have prayed to be relieved of this obsession for some reason tonight my higher power wants me to sit in my cravings, in this withdrawal, again. My reality is to my very core I am an addict and I have yet to learn how to deal with “Life on Life’s Terms” and when life gets to be too much like it feels right now I just want to numb out. For tonight instead of numbing I write, I pray please let me make it through tonight.
That is the rality of my addict. I am sober today. I am working my progam.... BUT DAMN this is not easy....
The thing about living in the moment is that it can be painful. My sex and love addiction is a drug that allows me to avoid feelings. Feelings, especially anxiety is something that hurts, that I do not like.
Thanks to this program, however, I am learning to feel the emotional pain and turn it over; to accept the possibilities of a negative event in the future by trusting in a higher power and allow him to control it.
The thing I am also learning is that the more I am present, the less anxiety and pain I feel in the long run. It's not a "quick fix" like my addictive behaviors, but it is a long term fix (but only if I stick with it on a daily basis).
When I was acting out in my addiction there was no reality, there were no consequences, my addiction was “All you can eat!” When I finished with my frequent feasts of acting out….. well it was “dine and dash” I never paid the price, at least that was what I thought.
What I did not know was that in reality, my self esteem was paying the bill and my addict was getting fat, cording itself on the havoc it caused, not only to myself, but to those I loved and cared for. The price I paid can never be fully known but my program has given me a new perspective on life.
You can say I have been born-anew. In order for this new me to grow and live, I had to accept that parts of me had to die. That is a reality. I had to accept that I may never be the same to people who I used to think mattered to me (but found out they didn’t) and that is a reality too. I also had to accept that I may not mean to same to people who I cared very much for and still do, that people in program grow, and that is a reality too.
Realty is the feast I crave now. And program is the currency I use to pay the check with. I have read and heard how this program has saved the lives of many of our brothers and sisters here. For me, this program allowed the mercy killing of a part of me that needed to die so that the part of me that needed to live would get its chance.
I friend in recovery suggested that I list the consequences to my acting out when I feel like picking up and using, that maybe it could act as a stop sign.
-My family- my husband can only take so much he will kick me out of the house and take custody of our two amazing sons.
-My sons will lose their mother if not in an ugly divorce but to death or disease.
-My own sanity, which is already questionable. If I continue to act out with all the knowledge and tools I have from recovery I know I will have a psychotic personality split I can not have all this information and love from SAA and still act out and be whole person. Right now I still feel like two people.
-I have already been physically hurt from this disease, a violent “date rape” at 21, even in the last year acting out partner assaulted me physically, abusive partners because I feel that is all I am worth and STDs, yes more than one. The next step must surely be death.
-The corrosion of my soul and spirit. I often think of this disease as a major dark storm that covers all the light in my life and I am really tired of things being so dark.
-Self respect, this one is already tenuous but if I act out the self loathing and self hatred shoves all the other feelings way out of the foreground.
-My job, I have acted out with coworkers and it makes the work place very tense, if I use my work as a feeding ground for my disease I will lose my job.
I know that my brothers and sisters in recovery would never shut the doors of SAA on me but IF I continue to act out I will feel like a failure and not have the strength to keep walking through the doors. If I could not go to the meetings acting out or not my life would be very dark.
My reality check is I have a whole lot to lose for a few moments of “pleasure” and stress release.
I am doing well in recovery, changing attitudes, behavior, becoming teachable and learning to feel. My sponsor and therapist tell me I am changing tremendously. I feel like I am finally getting sober.
Today I was in the bubble like no other day since this new sobriety has begun. I planned a trip to a massage parlor and arranged the unaccountable time to do so. As i was driving there, a new place I had never visited before, I kept repeating to myself That I was in a bubble. I knew the only way out was to make a call but I didn't want to be talked out of my bubble.
The place was on a busy street in a place I was not familiar with. I looked for teh address and had trouble finding a parking place. Had I found one I was seconds from acting out. I would have.
For some reason I drove away, a little afraid at how close I had come. I quickly made a few calls that weren't answered but the key was that I made the calls. I then called my wife to let her know that I finished early and would be heading home. Tihs took away my unaccountable time as I would now have a hard time explaining where I was. A friend calledd as I was driving home and listened as I told him the story.
I made it out of the bubble but I am still not sure how or why. I do know this. My belief that I would never again act out was quickly shatterred. I was brought to the realization that the addict in me lies dormat and can pop back at the most unexpected time. Unless I have built the foundation of recovery I do not stand a chence of escaping the bubble. Today I withdrew some of the savings I have put into my recovery bank account. i must remember that I need to keep making deposits or the day will come that there is nothing in the bank to withdral and the escape from the bubble will not be possible.
That's my reality check for today. Hopefully the future reality checks will be different than this one and that I will always have enough in the recovery bank account to escape the bubbles that I now know will surface from time to time.
I am lucky to have a soul mate that has supported me in this addiction. She has actively been seeking her easement through COSA. This has made events around the home place a bit touchy and sometimes aggressive. I know this is all part of the healing process, both hers and mine. Our arguments seem to grow more commonplace and it gets frustrating for both of us. Just when I think that the situation is going out of control or damaging beyond any repair, it rights itself. After a particularly frustrating argument we went to bed. I couldn't concentrate on going to sleep because of the stress related to the conversation we had had. I believed that damage was the result of our talk. Then the reality of it all hit me as she came into my room and said that she loved me. She said that, at least, we were talking about it. She gave me a meaningful smile and a kiss. Next time I will be there for our conversations again. I know it will help us both.
I say to all of my brothers and sisters.... stay tuned to the reality of it all.