Life would always be a bowl of cherrys if it wasn't for our character defects getting in the way. Sounds boring right. Not really. I for one would love to live in a perfect world, then reality sets in and these darn things called defects of character knawl at me like a dog on a bone. It wouldn't be that bad except for the fact that I've tried to ignor the outfall of my behaviour.Then there was the guilt. Oh my God it seemed as though I had slayed someone with the amount of guilt I was carrying around with me. Wouldn't you know it another character defect shows up because I'm trying to look good. PRIDE, what a terrible defect. Well the whole mess could have been avoided if I just did the next right thing and was honest. But no, my addict was rearing it's ugly little head by this time and I just sat there afraid of my own shadow. Thank God for sponsors. Mine of course was quick to point out all of my defects after I told him what happened, with gloves of love. He reminded me why I was in program and what program meant. He says the right thing so it seems, at always the right moment just enough to get me to realize the truth of my behaviors. I love him for that. So we have a good laugh. I stop beating myself up and I remember why program works. The best is that I can move forward having learned a new lesson and know that being honest is always better than lying and that PRIDE always makes you look worse not better. |
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Envy, Sloth, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Wrath, Pride
So I have not figured out how my character defects work in my addiction and in my recovery yet, but I do know that FOR me character defects are the 7 deadly sins and that the 7 deadly sins are out to destroy our life of grace.
Well that got me to think about grace, NOT my definition but a combination from different readings I have done says graces is, "Gods empowering presence in my life enabling me to do and be what I was meant to be." That is recovery, therefore for me recovery is grace and grace is fight my addict that is trying to destroy my life and ulitmately kill me.
I am looking forward to this next phase of my recovery.... but man if it took me 17 months to get 30 days and do the first three steps I can only image the earning my 60 day chip and working on my fourth step.
There was a drive by sighting in hopelessvile last week. James a former resident was seen at the corner of resentment Blvd. and what's the use avenue. He was seen peering into the old neighbor- hood.A close eye witness said they're several little statues adhered to his dash board along with a piece of Qtip sticking out of the visor? Mr Grady seemed to be contemplating a visit to his old haunts. The car idled for a few seconds and was than seen heading away in the direction of hope and perseverance.Some say Mister Grady is part of a conspiracy which has been dragging people off of the streets in our little town appropriately named sodom and gamora.Most of the disappearances have been occurring in the vicinity of denial Ave. and isolation street just outside Danbury.. Mr grady and his band or ne'er-do-wells should be considered armed and dangerous. Their primary weapons up to this point have been, enlightening literature, identification, acceptance, prayer, meditation and intimacy. They are believed to be in union with the wicked witch of the North Susan! Their band of do-gooders seems to avoid bright neon lights especially the hot pink and purple ones. Don't fall for any of their propaganda about freedom, and saving your marriage it's all lies. Remember the hopelessvile motto. Life's a bitch and so is your wife! So live for yourself and enjoy your life. Remember you don't need anybody except yourself and sex and maybe some booze and drugs.Don't trust anyone! Therapy is for pussy's!Our forces are working around the clock to end this so called underground railroad to sexual sobriety ( what kind of bull shit is that anyways?). If apprehended proceed with caution and bring Mr Grady to the nearest strip club or brothel for questioning. He has been elusive so far and is know to slip away into church basements. He also seems to be under the protection of those other do-gooders the tea totalers!Most painful to this author is the nature of the turn coat. Grady used to be one of our biggest proponents and a truly admirable promoter of decadence. A real Man, seeking and defending lust on every corner. The porn wars he had with the wife were text book and are still being taught today in the classrooms. The clever wit of James along with some say a set of real brass balls served him well as he taunted and teased both priests and shrinks alike. But alas he has gone over to the Dark side, some still believe he can be turned back perhaps with some Stiletto heals or a well placed tart. While not impervious Grady seems to have allies everywhere, they watch each others back like hawks and genuinely seem to care about each other. What dreck! They're meetings and writings and fellowship, it almost makes me sick. Some claim they have finally found what they were looking for in us, peace, contentment, acceptance and friendshipPLEEeeASE!Why the traitor left is truly unknown. One of our ranks said he over heard some bull shit about the grace of god and a desire to become authentic? What is that Hazerai? Remember we are strong, we need to stick together on this, lust,anger,sloth,envy,pride,greed, gluttony, and especially you lust, get off your ass!Don't forget to let fear ride shotgun with you boys, this is war. Remember your weapons, isolation, doubt, entitlement, there is no god, if he doesn't fall for that try god doesn't love you and neither did your parents!. Hit him hard and hit him often, or sometimes lull him into a false sense of security and than the ambush. Make sure you work on his wife too remember a house divided cannot stand. Always remind him that he is not, and will not be forgiven. Not by his stupid hypocritical wife and certainly not by Christ, remember he doesn't exist! Of course according to the law we have to leave him while he prays, but how often does he do that anyways? Remember were in this for the long hall.So let's get out there boys and girls( especially you girls) and let's refund his misery! Grady's been overheard saying Be Safe ,Be Sane, Be Sober! As he parts with friends. Ha, I say to you all be reckless ( remember at his core he's an intensity seeker), Be in-sane, resentment and anger do your part, bring along fear and sloth for support. He can not remain sober if we catch him in the triangle of doom. Side one get him and his wife as mad as hornets. Side to fan the flames of pressure intensity, and resentment, side three set him. Up with opportunity, alone with lot's of cash mad at the world. Enter the seductress and the trap is set! Keep him in isolation from his fellow man and were home free! Now let's go get Grady and his friends. Signed Jim's AddictAnd Legion of Doom. PS Please don't get worried or feel the need to drop everything and call me . I'm doing fine and feeling strong. I had a couple of moments on the pity pot last week and after a few days of feeling better decided to take a look at things from my addicts point of view. I sent this to my therapist and she freaked out thought I was having a break down. Just my strange sense of humor.
What a crock of S@#T. I am learning to better myself and how I better treat myself and others. By being Honest with myself and to others.
At least it's a start
I was reflecting on this discovery of what and angry person I must be during meditation one morning. then these words came to me like a two by four to the forehead, "its all acting out". What I realized was that my pent up anger over my emotionally distanced and abusive parenting was being carried unconsciously into adolescence and adulthood. Not knowing how to identify and express anger appropriately I continued to experience situations that angered me, but I minimized it as impatience, irritation, annoyance. Where would this anger find an outlet for relief, you got it. I am now in therapy to learn how to feel my feelings and how to express them directly; and in SAA to learn how be open, honest, connected to people, to life and to my higher power - a much better alternative than sex addiction.
This causes lying by ommission, false pride that is actually counter productive, and the wasted effort of wearing that heavy costume that becoming so evident in a newly sober life.
Other than that one defect, I am pretty damn perfect!
We can't do it alone - we need to surrender the desire to control these defects, and let the pro on our side handle them - our Higher Power. These foes do not intimidate our Higher Power - they are childs play to Him. He will become our bodyguard just for the asking. Ask him to remove our defects of character, follow the instructions He sends your way, and don't leave the House by yourself! You'll never survive! Be humble and ask.