You know another year has gone by and all I could think of was what I was happiest about. What truly made me happy. What had I learned from the last twelve months. Believe it or not I was able to put together a little list of things that made me happy. Happiness is a quiet evening with the one I love relaxing while I'm reading a good book. Happiness is knowing that I have nothing to fear because I haven't lied and need to watch over my back. Happiness is having friends that understand me and support my views without judgement. Happiness is that I can go out on the town and know how act in a crowd with respect. Most importantly happiness for me is knowing that I have a higher power that watches out over me and guides me on a daily basis. All these little gifts are just a glimmer into a world that I come to understand is where I belong, far away from the trials of addiction. Thank you Papa for all your love and support. |
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To me I spent so much time numb I couldn’t even figure out what emotions I was feeling. Was contentment happiness? Was love/lust happiness? Was just a lack of confrontation happiness? Was getting attention and compliments happiness?
No, none of those things were/are happiness those things are their own unique set of feelings, contentment, love, lust, peace, validation but they were/are not happiness.
I have to agree with the above post,
” Most importantly happiness for me is knowing that I have a higher power that watches out over my and guides me on a daily basis.”
In 1987 I went to my Grandmothers Roman Catholic church to find love, peace and acceptance in other words God a higher power, never did find it there.
In 1994 I went to a very VERY large “stadium” nondenominational church to get “saved”. I found a lot of light and goodness and I started a relationship with my higher power so in some sense I was “saved” but I had to fall much much further and harder down before I truly experienced and felt happiness.
1998 I wed in my husbands Episcopal Church, it was beautiful and I found a physical place that worked for me but I did not work for it, I did not do my part at all, not yet.
2007 I quit teaching Children’s Church in that Episcopal Church because I just could not stand the hypocrisy of acting out and using and then “teaching” those innocent faces every Sunday. Those innocent faces taught me more than I ever taught them.
October 29, 2008 my first meeting of SAA, fourteen months later I am finally now starting to feel real happiness, I am not only allowing but praying to my Higher Power to thaw out my numbness and let me feel it all, I have to feel the pain to feel the good.
Happiness is finally knowing I have my very own Higher Power that unconditional loves and cares for me and will catch me every time I fall and I am still and addict so I trip and fall A LOT ;-)
Happiness is catching my husband staring at me for no reason, knowing he has fully forgiven me and loves me more today than he ever has.
Happiness is getting to see my children experience ALL of their feelings and letting them, when they need to, however they need to.
Happiness is knowing I can call a brother or sister in recovery 24/7 and they will “hold my hand” until the moment/hour passes. Because they have been exactly where I am and someone was there for them.
Happiness is having a brother or sister in recovery call me…. Call me imagine that.
Happiness is when now, I logged on the computer to act out tonight, I was bored and frustrated, lonely and little resentful and I didn’t want to use any of my tools I just wanted to troll the internet and get numb. Then I come to my favorite site and see this post. Yeah, Happiness is totally a Higher Power working in our lives.
Thanks and Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happiness is getting hugs and kisses from my children
Happiness is being in the moment
Those things that I never could enjoy or appreciate when I was in the fog of my addiction, makes me happy.
Happiness is being able to help others in SAA by sharing and making a difference
Happiness is being alive again, thank You G-d for a second chance.
Happiness is being sober today and living a life of recovery.
Happiness is having true friends and not chasing friends like I did in the past. Even if I only have one true friend it is better than 10 friends that are not really friends.
Happiness is knowing what I am worth today and believing it too!
Happiness is knowing that as long as I do what I am supposed to do on a daily basis that I can trust that my Higher Power will take care of me.
Happiness is knowing that there are people around me that I can go to if I need to because I don't always know the best thing for me - and I can't do this alone.
Happiness is continuing to be open to suggestions and continuing to be willing.
Happiness is being able to stay healthy in my program through good outer circle behaviors like going to the movies or using this blog.
Happiness is getting a good nights sleeps which I am about to do...Good Night.
This has been a long year and a short year and an easy year and a rough year. But here are some things that I am happy about:
This list may seem like it is not about recovery, however, I need to remember that if I was not in recovery I would not have any of these things to be happy about. I would be out using and acting out and miserable. So I have the program and the fellowship and my Higher Power to thank for even having this list…
Adopting Millie – My new 9 year old dog. She is a sweetie pie and so full of love. I am so glad that I brought her into my home.
Completing my amends – it was a long time coming but it feels good to have them completed and the projections were not as bad as the actual amends.
Losing weight – Down to sizes and weights I had only fantasized about. In the best shape of my life at 46 and I could not have done this without being in this program.
My family – Having family close by in Florida that cares about me.
Friends – I don’t have a lot, but I do have some. And I have hope for better and new friendships as I continue to work on myself and my program.
Not having my insane job anymore – I lost my job of 3 ½ years in June. I was talking to a former co-worker today and reminded of how horrible it was for me at that job. It was the right time to leave even though I have been out of work for 6 months. It was a volatile and destructive place for me. I learned a lot about myself and how to balance my life there. But my time was done and it was time to go.
Meeting new people – With my new work and what I am doing volunteering. I am looking forward to more in this area.
Embracing my fears and areas where I am not sure of myself – As part of my volunteer work I am having to take on some skills that are very new to me and I would usually run away. I am struggling with it at the moment, but I am still pushing myself forward so that I am not afraid of it and so that I can embrace these new skills and be successful at this position.
Organization – And finally I am happy that I have taken the time over the past few weeks to get myself organized and set up to attack my job search and personal responsibilities based on the marketing plan that I set up for myself.
I have moments of happiness, thanks to the recovery so far, but this constant sniping from the addict frames my progress as a lie. That I still am not completely truthful or forthcoming, still terribly disorganized, still co-dependent, still leading a secret life (not acting out, thank God), but not telling all about me to anyone except my sponsor, therapist and group members.
My addict revels in this - implying that NO step I am taking can make me a better person, that everything I do is a lie and hypocrisy, that all this effort of recovery is doomed to failure.
The only solution to this enemy is to put it into God's hands - to turn it over. Steps 1,2 and 3. Trust that there is a power greater than myself that cares for me and will lead me out of this swamp of negativity if I only let him. Here it is, God. It's in your hands.