Step seven is about humility. This was a good step. One that my sponsor had to work along with me. It wasn't that I didn't understand it. It was that I hadn't learned to let go and let God in enough at that time. This step is about asking for help, again. Like the third step before it I was asking for God's assistance. The ability to let God into my life and take control was still miles away from reality. It wasn't that I didn't believe He was capable of assisting me. It was that for so long in my life I hadn't let anyone else control my life except me. So to give up control really was an issue.I finally started to let go and by reciting the seventh step prayer was able to let go and let God do His work. Some things materialized almost immediately other things came in God's time. So I was watching as my defects slowly drifted away from me. Don't ge me wrong some defects I still work on to this day. Others were easier to resolve. The best part is that I have learned a new humility to let God do his work for me. |
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Well, it seems that H.P. had a different idea - He was thinking that it was time I had a tough lesson. And who do you think won this contest?
And so disaster ensued, or should I say, the latest in a long series of disasters. And it was very humbling. All pride, all confidence, all deceit was laid bare, as the foolish dream of a fool. And it was good.
It was good, because it was a lesson that can never be forgotten, that it was strong enough, humiliating enough, and disastrous enough that I never want anything like that to happen again. And do I think that I can get away with anything like that again, ever?
Not on my life.
I have come to believe through time, the program, and my own "stupidity" that belief in something greater than oneself is key to any success in life, because it frees us to see the reality of life. One of the realities that I have come to see and know is that sometimes shit happens. No reason, it just does.
I have spent my life seeking control. Control of life, finances, health, and even other people. In my prideful mind, I was in control of my own destiny, and needed no help from any higher power. However, as most of us control freaks have discovered, we cannot control everything. When things went wrong in my world, rather than see that it was my attempt to control the uncontrollable that was the problem, I put the blame on others. Society is out to get me; there is a conspiracy preventing me from my accomplishment; the man is holding me down. You name it, I've uttered them all.
As a result failure led me further down the path of self control, and resulted in more failure and disappointment.
The program is giving me the tools to be humble for the first time, and to see that all my efforts to manage my life and propel it down a particular path are futile.
I'm much calmer and more laid back these days. I still have goals and I work towards them; however, I try not to let setbacks or interruptions bring my world to a screeching halt. I keep moving forward. I know that if I keep up good work, somewhere down the road the path will smooth out again and become a little easier. I just have to look for help from my higher power and others when things get tough, so that I can keep moving ahead.
I try to keep the Serenity Prayer in mind these days. Help me to do what I can, the rest will take care of itself.
Shit happens!
with because I believed I could still repair them. All this "stuff" has finally wore me down. I must clean house before I am buried in this junk. It was time for a new way of life, one unencumbered by reminders of past.
I dragged all this junk to the end of my driveway for the garbage man and then slept peacefully knowing my crap would be hauled away in the morning.
I awoke to the cacophony of garbage pickup, but was dismayed to find my junk pile still at the end of the driveway. I chased down the "sanitation engineer" and demanded an explanation for his gross negligence.
"You need to put all the newspapers in a separate brown paper bag" he replied, stifling a yawn, and then drove away before I could curse him. Fine. I followed his instruction and waited three days later for garbage pickup. He returned with the same result. My trash heap remained untouched. Livid, I chased him down.
"You f*cking d*ck! I did what you wanted but you still didn't pick up my garbage." He slowed his truck down long enough to say "You need to flatten all the boxes and put them in a separate pile." And then he was
gone.
Again, I followed his instruction and again he ignored my garbage. "Put all the clothing into blue plastic bags you get from the town disposal center," was all I heard as he drove away. I was angry and perplexed. Why
didn't he give me all the instructions at one time? I needed help. So I called the town sanitation department in search of answers and to report this a**hole to his supervisor.
A man spoke before I heard the ringing of a distant phone.
"How can I help you Mike?" he asked in a baritone voice.
"How did you know my name?" I replied confused.
"You asked for help" he spoke without answering my question.
"Well yes, I need your guidance. I have cleaned house but I don't know how to get rid of my garbage. The garbage man won't pick it up. What should I do?" I whined.
"Mike, you have come to the right person" he answered and proceeded to help me organize my junk for proper disposal. He guided me through the proper disposal of paint, the separation of plastic containers, the correct dumping of old appliances, and so forth until all that garbage was organized and separated for the garbage man.
"Thank God," I exclaimed upon finishing. "I just want to thank you for helping me with this task." But the line was dead before I finished talking. Strange. The next day my trash was gone, picked up by the garbage man. The only thing that remained was the feeling that I had been helped by a higher power.