In recovery there is a term used called, "isolation." I know all to well what this term means because even in recovery I find myself isolating from time to time. I have close to four years in program with three years of sobriety under my belt and still I find myself falling back to old habits of isolation. It doesn't matter if I'm sleeping hours away, not communicating with my fellows or just locking myself in my house for days on end. I'm isolating myself away. In addiction this was the norm. Every day I hide away from even my wife and the world. This is different now because I've learned how to resimilate myself into society. I call this, "running down the rabbit hole." Where the isolation and the world can't touch me. Where I alone can sit with my thoughts. This is not a good place, on the contrary, when I recognize it I work very hard to pull myself back out to engage back with society. I know it's hard to pull oneself back out of the rabbit hole, but I can tell you it's much worse to sit there and stay. Find your way back out of the rabbit hole where support can assist you. |
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“If I manage to stay off of online personals sites today, it will be the first day in months that I will have a completely 100% sober day. I mostly look, I have answered two other ads besides yours, but they are nothing but trouble. I know exactly what I want, and it is the unattainable. I have decided that even though you are an "emotional intrigue" for me only not on your end, I know. You are not a threat to my sobriety. So I do not count you against my bottom line. But online ads, Iming, texting (which is why I shut it off), phone conversations, fucking are all on my bottom line. And you know what the next month will probably suck, withdrawal sucks, but I am done. I am fucking done, I am done giving my power to men, thinking it is me controlling them when I know damn well I want/need them to stomp all over me... destroy my soul the same way my innocence was striped away all those years ago. Thinking that is the only way to get the attention and so-called love I crave and desire.”
I have been doing a lot of reflecting and writing the same pattern comes up over and over and freaking over…. me chasing the unattainable. Wanting attention from those that could care less... i.e. Daddy! Well, it is time to grow up and get over it, it was 32 years ago and I am responsible for me and my actions now..
Am I done? Who knows I want to be done, I am more isolated and alone as well as lonely now, than I have been in the last year in this program in recovery. And I know that is by my choices by my doings that I am alone it is only up to me to ask and reach out. But now the shame, it is at an intensity that I don’t think I have ever reached in my life, in my addiction. I don’t think I really ever cared what other people thought about me before as long as I got some kind of attention. Now I want to respect myself. I want others to respect me. I want to learn how to love myself and let others love me.
I feel as if I “should” know better by now. I have not run in the rabbit hole I am under it and it takes every ounce of strength I have to make just even one phone call a day right now. I miss my friends in recovery but I don’t feel as if I deserve them, I feel as if I have failed and that I am never going to “get” it.
1. I have started to pray everyday.
2. I call my sponsor everyday, even if it is just to leave a message.
3. I had my sponsor and partner put internet blockers on our home pc. (It has been about a week since I have been on any personals or dating sites)
4. Even if I feel like my breath will be sucked right out of me I TRY to tell my partner how I am feeling.
I feel like I am still in the rabit hole but it is not quite as deep as it has been in the last three and half months.
Thanks!
In one of the Pat Carnes workbook, he says that none of us can have all their needs met by only one person. He suggests we should have our friends, relationships, as long as they are not addictive, harmful or inappropriate experiences. I ask my higher power to make this possible for both of us, to enrich our lives and enjoy our relationship all the more.
My head became an escape from the rest of the world. I was in control and nobody could tell me what to do. Isolation became a place of comfort and hiding from the things that caused me pain. Eventually I began to act out, and I grew to love isolation even more, because no one could interrupt me while I was caught up in my own little pain soothing rituals.
When things go wrong, isolation is still the first place I turn. When I am in pain, I just want to block the entire world out and be unto myself and my own thoughts. I get angry when this "peace is interrupted".
However, now that I am in recovery, I find isolation to be a very dangerous place. Although isolation gives me that false sense of safety from the outside world, I find that my thoughts more often than not turn to acting out. Thus isolation is not the haven I once thought it to be. Nothing exist in isolation land...nothing. Not work, not family, not society, not even humanity. I am nothing in that world and I do not grow.
I have found that one of the best things for my recovery is to stay connected to my family, friends, group members, and the rest of the world. Easier said than done for one so used to being alone.
This week has been a real test. Although I am not in fear of acting out, I have had a very difficult and emotional week, and I have felt the pull of old habits. Specifically, I have wanted to be left alone to deal with some unpleasant issues.
I was contacted by my sponsor and my therapist this weekend, and initially I did not want to speak to either. I wanted to be left alone. However, I used my recovery side of the brain, and I took their calls. Amazingly I felt better after doing so, and in so doing began to be aware that isolation is not my friend.
Staying connected is helping me to deal with the problem better than I ever could have on my own. I realize that while isolation is not one of my middle or inner circle behaviors, it is a step onto the path that can lead me down that road. So, I am throwing up a road block.
God please help me to stay connected!