In the sixth step we pledged that we are entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character. What it doesn't say is that we were ready to give up our defects of character. I know I wanted to hold as tight as possible to those defects. I was comfortable with my surroundings. If God was to remove my defects what was I suppose to use in their place. How was my world going to exist without them. This step took a willingness I had to ask God for the courage to have. Once again I was going to be in uncharted waters. I wanted to go through the step but I knew it was going to be a challenge. I was going to be giving up attributes and traits that molded me for the most of my adult life. Some even kept me alive even though they were undesireable. I had to find the faith that ran deep in my soul and pray often for the change to occur. As I let go of one trait at a time God manage to give me exactly what I needed in return. Once again showing me that my higher power knew better than I did. Today, I still have defects but with God's help, I manage to be a better man. Thank you Papa. |
   |
I still have some inner circle behaviour I MUST address. I still have HUGE interenet issues and personal ads issues and people issues but somehow, somewhere in the swamp pain infested stench that is my addiction I am finding some kind of willingness. Even if it is the smallest threads I am trying move forwar. One second at a time, this just happens to be a half way decent second.
That described me in my addiction. Always ready to act out, willing to take any chance, and able to lie, cheat, and do whatever it took to get away with it.
Ready, willing, and able now has a new meaning for me. I am "ready to take certain steps", because I am "willing to go to any length to get what I want #my sobriety#, and I am able to let God remove my defects of charter.
Until I finished my 4th step I was not sure what those defects were, so the thought of God removing something of which I was not sure was a little scary. Like many I felt that there would be huge gaps in me that would need to be filled with…. What? Would my program provide me with everything that I needed to fill in the holes that my program just created? I have learned that I have to give up my willfulness to control my life and accept the willingness that I can only control how I respond to life. My defects of charter were the parts of me that told me I controlled what other people did by power and manipulation, my defects of charter told me I controlled what other people thought through lies and tricks. My willingness to have these defects of charter removed have given me the power to know that the only real control I have is in trusting my Higher Power and my program and the fellowship that gives me the power to be willing to live this program one day at a time
My defects of character go very deep into who I was, who I thought I was and who I wanted others to think I was. I was willing to play the fool when it suit my purposes, to give others a view of me that cost me respect in the eyes of many, but it allowed me to act out. I had to wear the scorn of others because of my acting out and my defects of character allowed me to say I didn't give a damn because my addict was getting what it wanted. I was willing to do anything, to be anybody, just to please my addict and my need to act out. My addict did not care who got hurt as long as it felt better, at any cost.
Now, my recovery has given me the courage to fact the daily challenges my addiction has caused. My courage allows me to face the “I have a question….” my wife sometimes challenges me with about my past acting out. My courage takes the place of the cowardice, a defect of character that my addict took advantage of. Now, my recovery has given me the faith to trust my program and the promises it offers. My faith takes the place of the despair, a defect of character that my addict took advantage of to trick me into believing the acting out would make me feel better.
My defects of character are being eroded away because I am willing to work on and trust this program, my fellowship, and my higher power. Willingness is the key to doing anything worthwhile.
Within the last few years, the realization of something bigger, an infinite intelligence overseeing what I saw as my clever, cynical reality, changing the meaning of what happened in the world every day. That seed grew into certainty, and finally, as happens with all of us, that higher power showed me the consequences of my character defects. What a powerful realization. They were no longer fun, no longer an answer, but an immense problem, that constantly hurt myself and others.
Now I believe there exists a higher intelligence, consiousness, that is in the business of teaching us all what we need to know, pleasant or not.
It has become clear to me that I MUST turn over the steering wheel of my life to that power, because, God knows, I can't do it myself. Not without pain, suffering and death. Without that faith, there is no hope.