I used to think I had lots of friends. People who knew who I was. The truth was I had very few friendships and most of them were with people that today in recovery are considered off limits. It's funny how delusional one can get when thinking about friends. I thought that these people really knew who I was. They only knew the lies I was telling them. Soon I couldn't keep those straight and soon my house of cards came tumbling down around me. Where were my "friends" funny they were no where to be found. Today, however, because of recovery I have healthy relationships with both male and females. I'm not inappropriate with my female friends. I have the utmost respect for them and treat them like I would want to be treated. For the first time in my life I have healthy relationships with my male friends and do not fear them anylonger. I've grown an inner confidence that only recovery could teach me. Now I have healthy relationships, not clouded in sexual intrigue, where I can live, love and laugh and hold my head high in self respect. Thank you Papa |
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Now it's been 9 months of sobriety and my stories to friends are becoming more appropriate. But I still miss telling the war stories just as I miss acting out. However, I don't miss the acting out as much as each day passes. I listened to a new member of our home group tell a war story during group and was upset. It's dangerous to the group and to me. This helped me realize in recovery how important it is to be appropriate especially with members of our group. I will probably speak to this new member gently and remind him of our boundaries and hope he understands. Coming to meetings and developing friendships in this homegroup definitely helps in my recovery.
Today I don't have to do any of that crazy behavior. It has taken a lot of work. But I am happy to say that today I am comfortable enough with myself that I know who I am. I know what I am worth. I am not afraid of who I am. I know that I don't have to force someone to be my friend today. If someone does not want to be my friend or in my life today then that is fine with me. I don't need to have that person in my life. In some cases it does make me sad if I care about that person, but it also is a relief because I can feel the sadness, but then I can move on. I don't have to live the insanity of the manipulations and craziness that I would have done in the past to try to get that person to like me or stay in my life. I might not have as many friends around me today as a result, but the quality of the friends is better. And I know that because I have a better relationship with myself, I am better prepared for better relationships with new friends that I am going to met down the road and I am excited for those opportunities. I look forward to what the future brings and for these future friends. I know that as a result of working this program and of having a healthy relationship with myself I am a person of value and I have alot to offer and anyone is going to be lucky to have me as friend when the time is right.
In the meantime, I will continue to work my program and do what I need to do on a daily basis and thank my Higher Power for everything that He has given me and allowed me to accomplish so far and look forward to what He will allow me to accomplish in the future.
Even then I felt that if I died it would be weeks before anyone knew it. I imagined my funeral as a small gathering of family and they were confused that the "Mayor" had so few people there.
I had no friends. I did not have the intimacy that being or having a friend requires. In a large group I felt out of place. If they really new me they would be disappointed. I bounced from person to person, usually not even remembering their names. I would talk politics or religion because they were topics you could have a legitimate debate. I never talked about how I felt or really cared about how they felt. This was the most friendless time I have ever known. This was the most 2 faced I have ever been. Today, without saying the words, I somehow ask for the friendship and intimacy that I missed for so long. I have always said that a friend was one who shared your tough times and not only your good ones. This was done to give the impression that I was a friend. I wasn't. Today I am sneakily becoming friends with others. While I don't tell my feelings I am beginning to show them. That is my first step to becoming and getting friends.
I learned too early in life that people who will refer to themselves as my friends often are just acquaintances. Friends remain for the good times or the bad, and it is the bad times that truly test a friendship. The bad times can often serve to cement a relationship or shine the light of truth on something that is not real.
For better or worse: the term works in marriage and friendship alike. For these are people we love and choose to be with, and our feelings do not change due to mere circumstance.
On another note, I have isolated myself due to my addictive behavior and rage, and feel today that I did not allow people to get close to me because of my pain. So the fact that I have only one true friend is also the result of not allowing people into my inner circle.
It is kind of a self fulfilling prophecy. Each time I felt abandoned by someone I thought was a friend, I closed the door on friendship a little bit and turned to my addiction for comfort, making it harder for some one else to walk through that door. Eventually the door was closed all the way and I was left alone and isolated with my addiction.
However there was my true friend and of
course my family still knocking, trying to get in and see if I was alright.
Now that I am distancing myself from my addiction, the door is cracking open again to allow those people as well as members of the fellowship in. These people offer me peace of mind and hope for the future.
I am walking out of my isolation and into the arms of people who are trying to help me. At least I am looking once again for love and friendship, and I guess once you begin the search, discovery is just a matter of time.
But in spite of that major handicap, somehow I managed to make a few real friends anyway. It seemed that if they were also flawed in some way, it was easier for me to admit who I was and what I really did. I could only be real friends with someone else who was also damaged goods. Something like being in a club with "birds of a similar defective feather!
Now that my secret is out, not to everyone of course, I find that I still have a few flawed "real" friends, who can still stick with me in spite of my addictions, and even show some support for my getting better. I feel fortunate for this.
But as I recover, I wonder what will happen to my "old" friends, and whether or not I will make new healthy ones, or just isolate myself into some new retreat, where I will still hide from most of my "acquaintances? This friends' topic is important to me, and yet, I know that I have no idea how my H.P. will direct me on this matter. A more authentic version of my former friendly self, or an isolated "hermit".
Here's hoping H.P has a better idea about this than I do! I pray he'll show me the way.