Step four was a very taxing step for me to go through. What I was being asked to do was not an easy job by any stretch of the imagination. I was told to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Wow! I said you want me to do what? Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Oh, you mean be honest about everything I've done that was underhanded, anger related, or fear based in my life and making a list. Well I was hard pressed to want to be that honest, but I knew I had to be rigoriously honest for program to work. I tell you it takes courage to be that honest. I wasn't scared to do this step, I was shameful of most of my activities that I did and regretted. My sponsor put it best when he told me to pray to God and ask for the willingness to do this step. I saw the light. It was about the willingness, to have the courage, to dig that deep into my past, to pull out the events that shaped my current condition. As I knew from the first three steps I had to be willing to go to any length to get my sobriety. This was just a continuation of the first three steps. Building blocks for the rest of my life. I declared myself worthy of the task and dived head first into the pool of reflections. I can say after doing my fifth step that the forth step gave me a sense of healing that I had never known before and am so grateful to have done. Sure it took time, it took looking deep inside myself to pull out the "stuff" I was made up of. What a sense of wellness when I was through. God bless you all who do your forth step, a rigoriously honest forth step cause you're worth it.
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As I read Answers in the Heart for today Sept 17th (my parents 40th) wedding anniversary I was brought to tears. Self forgivness and complete understanding that my higher power loves and forgives me is what is going to give me the strength to even think about step four. It has been almost a year since I sat in these SAA rooms for the first time and while I see HOW VERY FAR I have come, I see how very far I have yet to go. It gives me hope to know it is all in my Higher Powers time and not my time.
Once I did my 4th step and then did my fifth step with my sponsor, I was so relieved. What a weight off my shoulders. So much of my obsession to act out was taken away.
I know that most of us dread this step. Know that while taxing, those promises that the big book talk about begin to come true after you finish steps 5, 6 and 7. "Before we are halfway through..." Know there are great gifts and promises that we get on the other side!
The pertinent questions were: "When did you need to take action but did not?", and "Have you put off important tasks and conversations?", because of fear. In just the past month, this happened and caused a giant reaction, with my partner accusing me of lying by omission, and still acting like I had a secret life. There was a legitimate disagreement between us on whether to rent an apartment to an attractive woman, and I did so without telling her about it until she asked about it. It was avoidance behavior - I knew that it could trigger a fight so didn't mention it (didn't listen to my inner voice). Whatever the merits of either side of this argument (it isn't about sex in this case), the error was not being open and honest when it was called for. The strength of the reaction was multiplied many times over by the secretiveness of the action.
This has been one of the hallmarks of my life. Avoiding difficult conversations, open communication and hiding a secret life. It has never worked for me, and I suspect, it never will.
I look forward to studying the fourth step.