As I continued to work the steps, step three proved to be a interesting test of my faith. Faith in a power greater than myself as it was posed to me in step two. I was being asked to turn my will over to the care of God as I understood God. The God part I got, turning over my will posed a much greater test for me. I had always done things on my own. I was self reliant so I thought. Since when did I rely on anyone else to do my bidding for me. No, no I wasn't getting caught in a trap. I'd do it all on my own. The truth was that that philosophy got me catch up in this mess. It was time to rely on something other than myself. What I needed was faith. So I figuered I had nothing to loose and everything to gain if it worked. God knows my way didn't work, I was a sex addict. So I tried turning things over to His care. First it was small things and then it was most things and then finally I realized that it could be all things as my faith had grown to the next level and I saw results. I saw miracles start to appear. Today, I turn stuff over to His care on a regular basis sometimes as many as tens times a day, and the burdon is relieved from my heart. God bless you Papa for it is your will not mine that I follow today. |
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Turn MY will over to Gods will, yeah right, let me sit in this pain and stench just a bit longer.
For me it comes down to the word deserve, I do not feel worthy of Gods love, my husbands love, my childrens love. I feel that I am a fake and a fraud at work, at church, at my sons Cub Scout Troop, the Elementary PTO, my SAA home group. I have all of these places that I have reached out to, to form positive communities around me but simply refuse to accepted that they love and accept me unconditionally. I am starting to get very very tired of this 49%-51% battle, IF I do not turn over my will to a power greater than myself then surely MY will, will kill me. I am forced at this point to distill my recovery to one simple statement. NO MATTER WHAT! Until I can be restored to sanity, until I can automatically and willing turn my will over to a power greater than myself I must simply NOT act out NO MATTER WHAT and up until now I was not willing to do that.
Oh I can go online a little bit, I can flirt a little bit... I can chat a little bit. I am an addict I can not do anything a little bit. I have said it so many times on this blog, I MUST believe that YOU believe. I must know that it has worked for addicts before me so it will work for me too IF I do my part if I don't act out NO MATTER WHAT.
I remember someone saying the difference in setps 2 and steps 3 were: In step two, you are watching someone walk across a tightrope pushing a wheelbarrow and you trust they are not going to fall. Step 3 is actually climbing in that wheelbarrow and letting them push you safely to the other side. Step 3 is built on trust, trust in a power greater than ourselves. To be successful at step 3, we need to have really seen the unmanagability in our lives and made a decision to come to know and trust in a higher power.
My step 3 is routed in the third step prayer. When I remember, I start or end my day with that prayer.
I no longer have to fight with God to force the outcome of an event, especially an event that was unhealthy for me in so many ways. I can trust that God will put me in places with people that are healthy because I have trusted my life to his “care”, and I accept the events that occur as his "will" and I use the tools to try to learn what he has intended for me to gain and learn from the lessons he presents.
Some may say that makes me a hapless victim of my Higher Power, but I am happier being in the "CARE" of my Higher Power than I ever was in my own free will of addiction.
As a young man I was very religious. From the time I was eight until I was about sixteen, I served in our church as an alter boy. I had a very good and close relationship with my priest. He was truly a great man. A survivor of World War Two. He was Polish and during the war was imprisoned in the Auschwitz death camp. He spoke to me of his deep faith in God during that horrible time. In his final days at the camp, the Nazis ramped up their extermination process in part to do away with the evidence of their atrocities. At one point, he was being led to what he knew to be his inevitable death, and like a miracle from God the allies arrived and his life and the lives of many others were spared. I have never forgotten that story of faith.
Subsequently he passed away. I have never since come into contact with a man whom I felt was closer to God.
Although I never developed another relationship any priest, I remained religious into my mid thirties, until my divorce from my daughter's mother.
At that time, I felt deserted by the church, but even more so I felt as if the church had deserted my daughter. I became bitter. I turned away from all organized religion and became an atheist. Self will became my focus.
Well we all know what path that led me down, and now here I sit trying to once again find something to believe in.
I still have no trust or love lost for organized religion, but I am uncomfortable with the thought that there is nothing greater than I in this universe. In fact, I now find the thought that this entire universe could exist without purpose rather absurd. It is clear that I am not meant to know the purpose of the universe, but simply to have faith that there is a purpose.
Although I do not believe in a God that is a puppet master, I do feel some connection with the cosmos that I am part of. If it is here for a reason, then by default so am I.
The program has taught me the tenants of letting go and living in the now. These ideas have helped me to live sober for sixty plus days now. I believe and have faith in the program, as the results have been tangible for me, and I know my recovery depends on faith in something greater than myself.
This will not be an easy one for me; however, I do have my memories of that priest to help me along.
What faith he had! He was able to turn over his own life based on his belief in something greater than himself. The scale of my trials pales compared to his, but faith would seem to be just as important to my freedom from addiction as it was to his liberation from the Nazis.