One of the most uncomfortable feelings we go through is that part called, WITHDRAWL. If I wasn't acting out what was I suppose to do instead, what was I to do. All I wanted to do was stop the pain and act out again was the only thing I knew how to do. But then came abstinence. The ability to abstain from inner circle, bottom line behaviors. Of course I'm then left with a void in time.What am to do. I didn't understand what to do until my sponsor walked me through withdrawl. I had such cravings to act out. I had physical aches and pains. I remember feelings of desperation and fear closing in around me. I had become irritable, filled with anger and sometimes tantrums of rage all because of withdrawl. My sponsor would just say, breathe, relax take in the moment. Say the serenity prayer over and over. I rememeber feeling that it wasn't worth it. The pain is just too great. The truth is it is worth it, your worth it, I'm worth it and feelings of desperation and pain shall pass. I kept repeating step number two, "came to believe a power greater than myself would restore me to sanity" and then I was told to turn it over to God and let my feelings go. Let go and let God became my mantra. To this day I still remember those desperate times in withdrawl, but what I remember most is how good I felt after "they" left. Your worth it, so was I. Instead of dwelling on the fact I wasn't acting out I started learning new behaviors, calling my brothers in recovery, reading stepwork, journaling, even spending more time with the one I love. There is an answer to withdrawl; abstinence and beginning a new life. |
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One other very important thing: I also learned that the cravings pass, and over time they become less frequent and less difficult to deal with.
Anyway she shared with me that she was blessed that the longing and the compulsion was lifted from her; but to see me tortured by my addict being so strong and so diligent about killing me it makes her stronger in her recovery.
She is an amazing support because she knows me pre SAA and post SAA and pre marriage and currently being married, pre children and now mommy mode. She is gentle with me when I can not be gentle with myself. And she assures me at some point the withdrawl will pass and I will let go of wanting to act out to deal with my life and my stresses.
Today, right now, this morning I really do not feel like this pain is going to pass. I have heard a saying, "Don't quit before the miracle." I feel like every time I have relapsed in the last 5 months it has been a case of quitting before the miracle.
Anyway this is the meeting after the meeting and I have to get this out of me some how and if I am having a hard time being honest in person I know I can be honest through the distance and safety of the typed word.
Maybe some day this pain will pass. Ally
How much time must pass? I am being tortured by this beast!
BTB
The one thing that people keep telling me is to keep coming back, to fill my life with recovery instead of pain and shame. For me it has been nearly a year but the one thing I have done over and over and over is I keep going back to an actually SAA room and I share as honestly as I can when I am there. Keep coming back. Ally
Cravings, desires, wanting and longing I fear are always going to be with me, but it is what I do with the moments when I am free of their grip that help me when they do try and grab ahold of me again.
For a new place, this is really really cool. I did not think I would EVER and I mean EVER feel this kind of relief and gratitude.
Thank you God and the men and women (yes there are a few of us) in this program.
Yes, I really wanted to go back. Go back to my addiction, like always. But by some miracle and with the help of my sponsor, it passed. The fourth morning I awoke and there was this really weird feeling that I actually might be ok. It was so new and foreign to me that it felt uncomfortable, almost nauseating.
I began to doubt it. I began to think I better get the hell back to my addiction before this feeling gets turned upside down. Before it has a chance to abandon me, to be stolen from me, to be crushed by some accident, some misfortune, some let down.
That's when I really had to push back. I kept doing what I had been told and it really helped. I kept putting God, as if he were some physical object here on earth, between me and my addiction. It worked for me. Every time I wanted to go back, I'd visualize God wedged between me and my addiction, like a big, unmoveable boulder. I had to keep putting him there. I had to focus. I had to stick with the singular image. If I was beginning a ritual, beginning to trigger, beginning to wonder what it would be like to go back, I'd visualize God as a single boulder - blocking my path. Slowly the urges got fewer, less strong and farther from each other in time.
I still get the feeling that I want to go back. And I know that there will be times where it will seem the only place again to turn. I also know that turning it over to God with my visualization of him as the unmoveable boulder between me and my addiction will work. I continue to pray every day that I won't forget.
The next painful phase of withdrawal for me was seeing in real time what my addiction had always suppressed. I was able to feel bad. To feel sad. Sad mostly for myself. And then it got worse. I was beginning to feel the pain of the others I had hurt in my disease. On the fourth day I awake absolutely despondent. I felt there was no way out. I journaled, but I was crying so hard, I couldn't really write. So I'd stop and cry some more. The despondency was back.
It was hard to remind myself of what I'd been told. It will pass. I couldn't see myself pulling out of the despondency.
Winston Churchill had it right when he said " When you're going through hell, keep going...."
And, as promised, it passed. About five days later. I still sob every day, but its a good sob. A cleansing, not so much a withdrawal. The the sadness is interlaced with some joy now! Wow, joy! Wow, I hadn't felt that since maybe when I was 7.
The other side of hell is there. I only wished I had read the posts above BEFORE I went through withdrawal!!!!!!!
An alcoholic needs a drink, a junkie needs a fix, a gambling addict a casino, a debt addict a credit card, a kleptomaniac, a store. For me,my computer, my bed, and time alone. I am dealin with withdrawal right now by being here, posting on this rather than on a website playing roles with someone who is acting out with me. She may be an addict too. I hope not because I would not want anyone to have to do this as I do which is in reality against my will. I choose to do it, but once begun trying to stop is always the same, I can't. I will renew my program one day at a time, daily, with the help of my higher power and my sponcer.
thanks for reading,
God love you.
How can I just stop? It did not seem possible to recover.
Time heals all as they say, and here I am today withdrawal free. Not to say my disease does not grab me at times, but now having survived the withdrawals, I realize I can live sober and not act out. I realize the lie of my addiction, and know I do not need to give in.
The truth is addiction and acting out will take me back to a place of pain and despair. I feel good today. I do not want to go back to that place, and today, post withdrawals, I can see clearly enough to understand I do not have to return.
It feels good to not be driven for this time by my addiction. God has been good to me for letting me and my somewhat patient girl friend have the intensity of suffering for such an extended time. It truly is making me understand, at a deep level, that there is a better way to live. Any way is better than the sex addict's way. I hear about intimacy and new ways to experience love and friendship - I haven't personally experienced them yet, but I look forward to it, and I know that it has to be better than this.
I'm thankful for my H.P. and my new trusted friends for guiding me through this horrific swamp. I can't wait to get to the other side.
The pain had let up the last two days, and now I have such an erg to go to out. I am going to ride this wave and take the words of you who have been here and trust that I will not die from these tears and feelings and it will pass and come again and pass. And if I can be strong, listen, learn and pray and reach out to you, I will be OK. That is the hardest part to reach out to you and not feel I have to give myself away. And trust in god and you who have past through this pain and are living and happy. That is all I have been wanting since I was a child, is to be happy and really live. I know it's out there because you say it is through what some call God,,, and that is one thing I do have to my advantage ,is I believe in that, what ever that ( GOD ) might be. Thank you for this place and your words. You might have saved my life tonight. I feel better now.