In step two we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Notice that it doesn't say anyone or anything, it just says a power greater than ourselves. Well for the ego manic addict that I was how could anyone other than myself have any power, so I thought. Then comes the magic. Some people say, "fake it til you make it." I was told that the room could be my power greater than myself. What I heard was God's voice. It came in a dream for me. I knew where my power greater than myself was coming from, there were no questions for me. However I know for some newcomers this idea of a higher power goes against all there views. I say to them, "Give it a shot, fake it til you make it, put your trust out there blindly just this once." And I promise you you'll start to to see a change in how you view things. Even if you just pick the room to be your higher power. We all start somewhere - thats where the hope comes from, from inside reaching out, let it shine. |
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Currently, my higher power is my sponsor and the other people in this program. By opening my self up to the help offered in the program, and listening to the very simple and gentle advice given to strengthen me in my journey to recovery, I now have hope that I can recover and not fail again.
What has been amazing for me is that my recovery does not necessarily force me to beat myself up over my addiction to sex. Rather it focuses on how I live my life every day, and it gives me softer gentler paths to follow than I may normally have chosen on my own. These new paths to life create less stress in my world, and thus I find myself less and less likely to be put in situations where I feel the need to self medicate and alleviate my pain through acting out.
Very simple, yet utterly incomprehensible to an addict who only understands one way to feel good. I now have options, hope, and a higher power than myself.
Something happened with the discovery - the pain and suffering for my partner and me, woke up the reality of my unreality. I'd been living in denial and unconsciousness for a long time. Something happened to connect, through all the pain, with a H.P., that gave me the hope to carry on, to believe that a better life was possible.
Now, 6 months later, although there is still pain and suffering, it is on a different level - like the pain of recovering from a broken leg - a good pain of healing. I know that this incredible rescue wasn't from ME. It was from a Higher Power, who then put me in touch with the community of people that would help me deal with this terrible disease.
Every day, I am thankful to my H.P., and the people He/She has put me in touch with that are helping me heal - my sponsor, my therapists, my trusted witnesses.
I have no struggle with a belief in God. I also recognize my insanity for what it is. My first step work made that easy.
So much discussion is about those who have trouble believing in a personal God of some type. I understand that and appreciate the challenge that must entail. I offer my prayers and support for all who face that.
How, though, does one who believes in God already work this step? How do I make it meaningful and powerful for me? It would seem easy to check the box and move on to step three, check that box too and begin step four. But I don't want to shortchange myself. I feel like there's an opportunity here to deepen my understanding of the nature of God in my life and the faith that I have in God's power.
Ultimately, that's what's hard for me. To intellectualize my belief is one thing. To live my faith as a true way of life is daunting. I have the courage to live it as never before, but that isn't yet enough.