When times go south or when real chaos hits the fan I have a tendency to isolate in my head and forget about the rest of the world. I just took a state exam for my work and didn't pass, close to it, but didn't pass. My whole world came crashing down around me. I'd studied for this test for close to nine months and then disappointment. I wouldn't have been so crushed if I didn't need the exam to keep my job, but I do. Right off the bat my addict kicked into gear and started shouting, "you're less than, you're not worthy" and of course my fragile mind starts to believe the lies being created. Here in lies the truth. As long as I get out of my head and don't listen to the negative self talk, then my addict can't swallow me whole. I know I'll need a couple of days to adjust to the reality of not passing, but it doesn't mean I'm bad and wrong, it only means I didn't pass. So I'm reaching out, outside of myself where my higher power is. My higher power has the guidance, wisdom and strength to pull me through. I love you Papa |
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Ally
But the real issues arise when something really angers me, or frustrates me, or overwhelms me, or even triggers me. This is when I really need to get out of my head. What I have found to be the best way to get out of my head is get back to a basic or the basics even if it is just for that moment. That means, going to a meeting, listening to a share, picking up the phone, taking someone on pass, anything that takes me out of my own head. What I have found more and more is that I actually leave the issue behind. This is something that I have never been able to do before. Even when I did it somewhat before, left it behind, I would go back to it at some point. But not anymore. I leave it behind and for some reason, it stays behind. Getting back to the basics for even a moment or a night takes me out of my head and away from me long enough to get me where I need to be so that I realize what is right and what I need to do next and helps me realize what is really important. It also helps me see that everything happens for a reason and that everythings always has a way of working itself out. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...
Thanks for being here... I think I can go back to work now.....
"The past is of NO value to your life today. Assess where you are and how to move forward. The past has no influence on the future…unless you’re a f'ing statistician".
Its a struggle, but my focus is to stay in the NOW, to be present.
Working my program is such frustration in that I learn more about myself and sometimes see things that I am not happy to learn but understand how it made me and addict and helps me see clearly how to recover. The fog of addiction begins to lift and all is clear.
Thanks for reading.
God love you.
In reflecting or obsessing over this time in my life, I often get caught up in the "what my life could have been" had he been there for me, or "what I could have accomplished" had he encouraged me rather than criticized me all the time. These thoughts tend to bring my addict to the forefront. The pain and anger is so great that I immediately want to self medicate.
It is amazing how sharp this pain is, even though I have not seen or spoken to my father in 30 years. In fact, I don't even know if he is alive today.
I realize now that it is a waste of time to dwell on these things. These thoughts make me bitter at the world and are unproductive, because I can not do anything about what has been done to me. I can only wake up each day and vow to do my best today, and the best way for me to do that is to surround myself with the people I love, and do for them.
As I close this thought, it has caused me to reflect on this pain again. The pain is palpable, but how wondrous, good can actually come from this pain. My daughter is a star athlete and a great student. While I cannot nor do I wish to take credit for her accomplishments, I realize that I learned an invaluable lesson from my youth: Be kind to your loved ones. I have spent my time as a father encouraging my child to shoot for the stars and to do her best. Thank God it seems to be paying off. Perhaps I would not have such a clear grasp on this had my own childhood been less painful.
Food for thought!
To try to nurture myself, to talk kindly to myself, to praise any accomplishment, to not interpret failure as a character defect - all that is to move from my head to my heart.
My heart understands kindness, charity, generous spirit and concern for others. I just pray that I can have myself added to my heart's list rather than my head's list.