Ahhhh, the first step. The journey begins. I remember my first step and how long I took to go through it. I was told is would get done in Gods' time, not mine. By Gods' watch it took a year to get through. The crown of roses was it was well done. So by all means Gods' time is what I go by now. In the S.A.A. big book it describes the first step this way, "We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable." I didn't have any problems so I thought. Then the principle of the step comes shinning through. Okay, honestly I had a slight problem with just a few things. Truthfully, I had a lot of issues with a lot of things of a sexual nature. There I said it. The truth and the basis for the whole first step - getting honest. And not just about a few things either. The whole package...everything in my life got honest. The best was the weight on my shoulders dropped off with a resounding thud. The first step, the first step in changing our lives forever. |
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My sponsor had me go through and write down every acting out experience I could remember. This process was very triggering. Then when I was done, we went through my old bank statements to add up expenses associated with my addiciton. ATM withdrawals at the same place over and over again. Credit card charges at my favorite acting out place. In total, about $7000 in money spent acting out in about 4 years. That just helped to show how unmanagable this disease really was.
I think it is important to mention the second and third steps in conjunction with the first. After doing my first step, I felt so hopeless until my sponsor and I did my second and third steps. After doing these steps, I could let go of these things. I can turn the obsession over to a higher power.
By repeating these three steps over and over, I can regain my sanity and grounded in sobriety.
Although after first joining SLAA I was able to prevent myself from acting out in my more destructive ways (probably the fear of losing my marriage did that), I kept struggling with my "isolating" behaviors. Finally I understood that the reason I need God is that I have to have something, other than my defective will power, to turn things over to in order to gain acceptance of my reality.
I have learned just today, however, that these three steps do not give ME power over my addiction. I acted out not once, but twice last night in my DREAMS. No one can dispute that we have no control over our dreams, and that proves to me how subliminally my addction can affect me.
So of course that, plus dissatisfaction in my personal relationships has made me feel triggered all day long. Reading these posts, however, reminds me that it is not ME that will take control over these feelings and I am powerless...I have to give it over to GOD to do that. I know that IF I do that, I will be picking up my two month chip in a couple weeks (Dreams don't count - right?).
For me it was also about facing myself and what my life had become honestly and admitting that I had betrayed everything I believed in and everything I stood for, not least of which was the betrayal to my wife and kids. This was very painful, the guilt, shame and remorse I still battle with, but in working Step One I finally found a way to forgive myself.
My sponsor always says "I did then what I knew then, but now that I know better, I do better". He supported, guided and encouraged me throughout the process, I thank him for being a friend and brother.
The First Step is the beginning of the journey, I look forward to what G-d has in store for me next.
I must say that it took a few days to absorb the full impact of the share. The experience was very humbling. Sharing my life's deepest, darkest secrets conjures up all sorts of fears and anxieties; judgement, ridicule, shame... to name a few.
And yet, the words of kindness from my fellow brothers and sisters in SAA were more than supportive, comforting and reassuring; they touched my soul.
I thank them and my Higher Power for providing a safe environment for all members to recover from this disease.
G-d bless you all.
Honesty. All the way through the steps, I missed the point of the 1st step. Without a proper start here, without truly in my heart of hearts admitting I was powerless, my addict swooped in and carried me, lying all the way, through steps 2-5.
So here I am. In the last 20 days I have been to a meeting every day. I have spoken to my sponsor everyday and others in my group too. I have been reading, journaling and just now after the twenty days the first step is calling out to me. I have taken action this time. My actions which are true and honest and uncomfortable included shedding my most deep and darkest secrets. I have agreed with God that I am powerless. I have shared with him my consequences of unmanageabilty. As a part of admitting through action that I am powerless I am going to take six months minimum in a half way house. This is an uncomfortable way for me to take the "action" of admitting I am powerless and that I can't manage on my own. Whenever I have tried on my own to solve this, God has proven to me that my life in addiction is unmanageable. This time I am letting God, especially through the advice and instruction of those around me, guide me to a place where I may retrieve my sanity and move toward a truly managable life.
To admit and really understand that I was powerless, I had to be able to think clearly about my life. Looking back, I spent more than twice my annual income on my addiction, Two tears of hard earned money all because I believed I could handle this by running my own program.
The first step now really means something to me. As the american indians say "Reality is measured by depth of the bear's claw" In other words the more pain, the more real.
The relief I feel now by admitting things I have done in turn positioned me to make this true admission, I am powerless against my addiction and my life had in truth become unmanageable.
Now to the first step with real meaning.
It is that reality that I had to live through when I am acting out in my addiction. Ten minutes becomes thirty, becomes sixty, becomes one hundred twenty. The money I have lost pales in comparison to the time I have lost. Money can be replaced and remade. Time once lost is gone forever. So for today I am back back on the road to recovery. My first step begins when I step onto the floor out of bed, one day at a time.
Thanks for reading,
God love you.
Substitute Sex addict for alcoholic and you will see where I came to when I accepted the first step. At this point i realized I was powerless over this addiction. I did not believe I could attain sobriety. After 12 months I again have less than 30 days. Do I believe I can attain sobriety? I am not sure. Do I believe I am powerless over this addiction? Completely. So completely that I don't know if I can obtain long term sobriety.
I believe that when you accept the first step you are in a state of despair. You have reached a point where you know completely that you are powerless but have not yet come to the realization that there is a solution. It is that desperation, born of the many attempts to control my behavior to no avail, that brought me to SAA. It was the repeated relapses that led me to believe that despite my best efforts, I could not remain sober.It was the continually worsening consequences that made me realize that in spite of my ability to control some things, my life was out of control. It was with this realization that I came to SAA. I had no choice. It was by ultimatum and not by choice. Remember, I had not choice at this point. I was absolutely powerless.
Whle I had seen others attain sobriety and I had in another 12 step program, I did not believe I could in SAA. Today, despite my best efforts, I'm still not sure that I can.
Thankfully, having come to this conclusion, I move on to the second step. While the word "could" is used there, the second step gives me hope that the could will become "would".
First and foremost, I have admitted to myself that I am an addict. More precisely a sex addict. not only have I admitted it to myself and others, but I finally believe it. I don't just say it as rote because everyone else in the group does. I feel the truth of the statement down to my bones.
I tell myself this every day, because if I don't arm myself with this thought, the addict will sneak up on me, and I will be caught up in my addictive behavior before I even realize it.
My latest relapse was an eyeopener for me. I was living in my addiction, lying to myself and everyone around me. Upon being discovered and dealing with the devastating consequences that come from that moment, suddenly it all became clear in my mind and I could not believe that I had sunk to that level again.
I was truly incapable of stopping my behavior on my own, and my life was absolutely unmanageable. At that moment I realized that I was lying to myself, and that was startling.
Lying to others is one thing, as horrible as that may be, but lying to yourself and believing the lie is just plain sick, and the work of a deluded mind. This is a disease of the mind, and the first step is the beginning of the path to the cure.
So once again: I am powerless over my addictive sexual behavior, and my life is unmanageable. If you think about it, that is an empowering statement, because now I know the truth, and I can feel free to reach out for the help I need instead of hiding in my addiction.
But becoming aware of being a sex addict is not Step 1. Step 1 is admitting that my life is out of control, and that I am powerless against my addiction. Even at that first awareness, I felt I could control it in the future. Then on the 2d disclosure, since the first was incomplete, I realized the bigger truth - that sex addiction was part of a much bigger problem - a problem that resulted from beliefs about my worthlessness and by a flawed strategy for dealing with it. Then I discovered the role of LYING in the addiction. That I lied continuously, over major and minor things, and that this was not only because of guilt and shame about the behaviors, but also that I was hiding who I thought my real self was from the rest of the world - and myself!
When this proof of insanity hit me, like a ton of bricks, I knew my life, my mind, my behavior and my sense of reality was all out of control.
I admitted my powerlessness to others, that my life was out of control, that my mind was out of control, and that now I could admit (at least partially by my impaired thinking) my own insanity. The only thing left to do was accept my helplessness and turn the rest over to my higher power.
That first step is a giant one! And the 2d and 3d steps are the only way to move forward. Thanks to all who helped me get this far.
All of this is the result of not staying connected and not doing what I know I need to do on a daily basis. I recently met someone. After a very quick connection it was soon clear that he did not want to be with me as much as I did with him. That brought up for me all the rejection issues from my past that I had not dealt with. Maybe this is good that it happened and that it happened so soon and so fast. Because it told me a little more about myself. I am still upset that it had to happen at all but I believe that everything happens for a reason.
This last slip is forcing me to be humble, honest and it is taking a lot of courage to talk about what happened because I want everyone to think I am perfect and that I work a perfect program. But I wasn’t and this is what happened.
In one week I got a taste of my entire addiction, how quickly I get consumed and can go down that rabbit hole. I did not want to feel my feelings. I am almost 5 years in recovery and this is what happens. I have heard the stories and thought I was immune. But I was not. I know that what matters is what I do today so I am working to learn from this, do the next right thing and move on.
So now I am working on being more accountable and safe. I have a lot of work to do but at least I am back on track.
My lessons from the first step is that I was insane. I can't say that I'll never do anything, because I know that I have done things that I was so sure I would never ever do. That's a terrifying thought. I am frightened by some of the things I've done, and I know that it can get much much worse. I couldn't see that before.
I also know that it was a process. I didn't become an addict overnight. I got that way for various and complicated reasons that worked themselves out over time. Healing will take time and ultimately, recovery is a lifelong commitment.
Lastly, I know now that the addiction was the mask, the excuse. The addiction is the manifestation of the problem, not the problem itself. The problem lies in me. All the things i could never face or express are the demons I must conquer. The extent to which I do that is the extent to which my addiction loses power over me. To do that, only God can help me.
I just needed to post tonight. The hard work of the first step was finished when I finally acknowledge, first on paper, then with my therapist and sponsor, the things I've gone through in life. I feel a little nuts for sharing it with so many people tonight, but I need to share myself. I need to put my trust in the group and hope I can be of some service in return.
The hard part is yet to come, but I know that God's grace will see my through. Onward to step two!