I relapsed five months and two days into my recovery. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt horrible. I felt dirty. I had fallen and was unsure of how to stand back up on my feet. I wobbled. My sponsor assured me that a relapse was a part of recovery. I couldn't make sense of that. I'm an addict. Everything is in its place, I live in a perfect world, I had a perfect recovery. Now I had blown it. All I kept hearing was the self talk of how I failed again just like always. I was no good. The reality was I wanted to act out again and again to make the pain go away. My sponsor told me again that relapse is a part of recovery, but added that it was a great teacher as well. Why did I relapse? What was the underlying cause? I felt entitled, I just wanted to act out one last time, I was childish. The list could go on for days. The next steps of action would determine my growth from such an event. I wanted in the worst way to stay sober. For the next two months I picked up white chip after white chip acknowledging my surrender, however I still had a reason to act out. It wasn't until I didn't have a reason to act out that I stopped. I had learned my lesson. It came in a sentence that I use to this day, "I'm powerless over my disease." Today I put my higher power in between myself and my disease and am able to stay sober, one day at a time. Sometimes it's one hour at a time, none the less I'm in recovery for today. |
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I am afraid to go forward because I do not know what lies ahead. I just CAN NOT go backwards again and staying put in the middle is just not an option.
As for the camp out my friends arrived and guided my back out of the narrow passage, but I did not have to go ALL the way back. And as my sponsor pointed out I had friends there and I asked for help.
As for recovery I think I have had the gift of a huge step forward. I can ask for help, I can go back a few steps with out falling all the way down and I can move forward into that big unknown I have avoided my entire life. I have no idea what is ahead but I know that my high power not only has the idea but the plan and I have faith and trust that HIS ideas and plans for me are certainly much better than anything I have done so far.
That was living in the past, not in the moment. All the shame, frustration depression and self-loathing in the world will not change what is in the past.
So I agree that when there is a slip, there is only one thing you can do that will change anything...learn from it and choose to take that lesson with you as you live in the here and now.
It's easy to talk about shrugging off an emotion but much harder to do. Seeing people at the meetings (and on here, or in a phone contact) stand up and hold themselves accountable is one of the thing I cherish the most about the program. That kind of courage makes us proud of ourselves and our recovery partners. Replacing self-doubt and shame with some healthy pride is a great place to start.
I have been doing some serious thinking this weekend 19 years ago when I was 21 I went to my first 12 step meeting. The thought of admitting I was powerless was not something I was ready to accept and apparently I am still not ready to accept it. I can give lip service I can say the words, “Hi I am Ally and I am a sex addict” but what does that mean to me? I don’t think I have a disease I think I can still control my actions, obviously I can’t. I often wonder am I the type of addict that really has to lose it all before enough is enough is enough?
What I have now that I did not have 19 years ago is not only a life time of experiences good and negative but I do have a higher power today, that was completely absent way back then. As a matter of fact I went to my traditional Episcopalian service today and one of the readings was specifically about “fornication”. I thought I was going to fall out of the pew. My sponsor calls this a “God shot” I called it a medicine ball to the gut. The line that really hit me was “Or do you not know your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you….” Of course I have always heard our bodies are our temples but I never thought of it being a vessel for my higher power, usually I think of it as only something to be used and abused by others because that is all I am worth.
STILL I so strongly feel I am not worthy of Gods love, my husbands love, my children’s love and the amazing amount of love and support I have received in the S rooms of recovery. I use this feeling to justify my acting out to continue the cycle. I have NOT put my higher power between me and my disease.
“It wasn’t until I didn’t have a reason to act out!” This is my fifth post to this entry and I feel like this is the first time I am reading that line. I have so many reasons NOT to act out but only one very powerful reason to act out, to kill myself. The only purpose of my acting out is to kill myself. And right now my actions are saying that is exactly what I want to do. I feel like I am NEVER going to get it, that I am NEVER going to surrender. I know by writing this post and being honest I am getting a step closer, but I would have to say right now is one of the toughest times I have had in recovery yet.
Thanks for reading,
God love you.
The only possible result from this action: failure.
After falling, I lived in my addiction for about three months until I was inevitably busted. Then came the redoubling of the pain, the chaos, and the shame. I finally looked around and asked myself what I was doing. The answer came back: Destroying yourself and everything you love. Suddenly recovery was needed for me, myself, and I.
It's funny (not really) how relapse can focus us on our need to recover. How it can point out our unawareness to our own failures. Suddenly I saw the damage I was causing to those around me and not just myself. Suddenly I wanted recovery more than anything else in the world, and I had reached the point that many addicts do: No one believed me. It was then that I realized I had to recover for myself, no one else. I realized that nothing else in my life would ever go as planned or be fruitful if I did not recover from my addiction to sex.
Relapse educated me on the fact that I am an addict and powerless to fight this on my own. That word addict scares me, because it connotes a complete lack of power, and power over my own life is the only thing I have ever believed I truly had. Now I look to others for strength, and I find peace in my recovery.
Oddly enough I never would have discovered this with out relapsing. Having said that, I hope never to need this lesson or teacher again.
I am thankful that I have not had a "big" relapse. I am also thankful that the little relapses can be just as important - don't lie, don't treat others as objects to use, and act always with integrity in your life's dealings. I pray that I keep learning these small lessons, until I reach many years of sobriety.