This business about lying, hmmmmmm, that all too famililar place to be in our lives. I still don't quite get why telling a fib once in a while will hurt anything. I mean so I tell a few lies here and there, even to myself, but it's only to myself. The fact was it wasn't just a few lies here and there or even just a few to myself. In my active addiction I told lies all the time and over the stupidest inane stuff. I couldn't help myself. It was if I was a ball of yarn and I was unraveling all over the place, nothing but yarn everywhere criss crossing over it's self time and time again. I couldn't even remember who I told the last lie to in order to keep all of the lies straight. I needed a zipper over my lips to keep me safe. I felt so ashamed. Then I found recovery which DEMANDED rigorous honesty. You know the type, that I can't bullshit myself any longer honesty. The one where denial doesn't work any more. You know that type. The type my sponsor would never let me forget. That's the one. I could always try to lie to myself, no one would know, I would and that was the problem. Once I hit recovery, miraculiously all the lying stopped like a dead end road. For the first time in my life, I was being accountable, responsible, reliable and rigorously honest where love and understanding don't know from lies, only honest living. A life where joy and happiness are the norm verses the chaos of lies. A life where rigorous honesty is the foundation of my recovery that helps me stand tall in the mirror and admire the reflection staring back. And that's why I can't lie. |
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Today honesty is still tough, there are still some secrets, there is still a lot of fear. For me I still need to grow ALOT in this area. I am still not 100% honest with anyone including myself.
Ally
By lying I was able to make people like me, do what I wanted (and needed as a child).
Not it is not second nature. Its "first nature".
It's the first thing I say to someone when I shake their hand. Hi. I'm Chris. And by my expression, a lie, I go on to signal to them......I am great, things couldn't be better, I am accomplished, I have things, people like me, etc., etc. I didn't even have to open my mouth!!!!
I now now that I am liar, inside and out.
I am working on it. My sponsor pointed out nthe handshake alone was the firrst tell tale lie he saw. For that I am grateful,
I don't shake hands that way anymore. Now for the other billion ways I lie!
Lying also is the most fundamental impediment thing to intimacy and that is what I seek today.
Like all of us. I have been caught endlessly in the web of my own lies. The fact that I can spin lies for so long, makes the consequences of discovery that much more severe. The end never works out well, but I continue to lie. It is like a reflex. Addictive behavior.
I'm approaching 30 days of sobriety, and it is nice to have a clean conscience for that time. It is a tangible feeling of accomplishment for me. Not lying kind of makes me feel happy? I say it with a question mark because it does not seem to make sense to my addict's mind, and I guess that is what this is all about. Separating the mind of the addict from my own. So yeah, not lying makes me feel happy.
Why? I wanted people to like me. I felt they wouldn't if they knew the truth about me. Also, I suppose that I didn't believe they deserved my telling the truth, about myself or anything else for that matter. Why should it matter to them what I tell them in the first place? They can choose to believe me or not.
Those were the rationalizations. The truth was that I was unable to accept myself as who I was. I had to hide it, and since I hid the most important thing there was, then why not lie also about everything else?
What did it accomplish? Feeding false beliefs, keeping them nourished, and alienating those closest to me. Not a great harvest to look forward to.
Now, I face the challenge of honesty. I start by practicing with my group, with my sponsor, with my therapist. As I learn that it will heal my pain, I can spread it to the rest of my community. I look forward to being able to be myself and not hide.