Once there was a middle aged man who seemed to be in constant pain. This pain was both emotional and psychological. The pain started many years ago when he was just a boy. He tried telling his parents about his pain, however they were a party to what was causing it. The boy felt very isolated and found a way to cope with his pain. The coping was through sex addiction. Unaware that he was harming himself he just wanted his pain to disappear. Day after day his pain grew worse. Until one day he became an adult and the pain followed him to adulthood. Still feeling isolated he remained silent of his pains. Then one day he found more progressive ways to deal with his pain. He tried every measure he could to numb himself from the ache. He looked in the mirror and didnt recognize himself. It was if there were two people living inside his mind. The one with the pain and the one that everyone else knew. No one knew of his pain so no one ask to assist him. Days grew to months and months grew to years and the pain never subsided. He was so broken inside that even professional help could not break him down. Then one day out of the clear blue, a miracle happened, he found recovery. The man was so happy he got on his knees and thanked God above for the gift. The gift that changed his life. Share the gift. |
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And so is this powerful anecdote, as well as the brother who created it. Can anyone in recovery not recognize him/herself in this picture?
I'm grateful for this program and the inspirational individuals it's allowed me to meet.
Nick
The pain from low self-esteem was just the fuel my addict needed to convince me to act out. When the acting out did not cure the pain, my addict told me that it was because I had not acted out enough. The more I acted out, the better I would feel.
The real pain I know now, was that I believed the lie my addiction told me. Learning to see and share MY truth is the real gift this program has given me.
Keep coming back, It works if you work it, so work it you're worth it is the gift, the promise, and the truth.
I have spent a great deal of time rejecting those freely given gifts, rejecting advice, rejecting fellowship. Acting out was the only gift I wanted, thought I wanted. The "high" of acting out can not come even close to touching a nice clean and sober day in recovery. It has been my challange to remember that and put together several "one day at a time". This is where the gift is, it is a program where there are people like me who understand how excruating a pain has to be to numb it out with sexual addiction.
The gift that I wanted and needed all along was/is unconditional love. And today I FINALLY accept that gift from my brothers in recovery. There are a few sisters but my recovery is really has been reaching out to and actually trusting men, other addicts like myself. This is an amazing gift. With much gratitude I read and write on this blog everyday, it has now become a very important tool in my recovery. Ally
Today I can share this gift with others by working my program and carrying the message. I can help others and at the same time I can help myself stay sober. They say you have to give it away to keep it. So I can give this gift away to allow myself to keep the gift that was so freely given to me. Today I feel blessed that I live a life of recovery and have the gifts that I do as a result. I thank my Higher Power, my sponsor and the others in my program and fellowship that have helped me get here and who continue to help me stay here - Thank you.
In a short period of time, the program has given me the gift of truth. The ability to see that my chosen behaviors were destroying me and preventing me from living life in it's real form. A life full of intimacy, honesty, and happiness. None of these things are possible in addiction.
Addiction veiled my reality so that all I could see and believe in was acting out. The program has lifted this veil and given me a glimpse of what my life can be in recovery. Now, all that is left for me to do is decide whether I want to live in truth or a lie. The fork in the road is now clearly laid out, and the gift of the program gives me the clarity to know exactly which road to take, there is no guesswork. All I have to do is turn down the path and walk the walk.
As I hold out my hand and ask for the gift, I see so many hands reaching out to offer it to me. None of these hands were there to help me in my addiction, because I never asked for their help.
Today I ask for and accept the gift of recovery.
The next gift I got was discovery of SAA. Finding SAA wasn't enough to get recovery, but it was a start of a road to recovery. I never would get recovery without the gift of SAA.
Lastly, the work I eventually started through the program of SAA began to give me the final gift, that of recovery. Intimacy with my wife and my new friends was something I had never experienced before. Scary as it was, the rewards were amazing. This gift alone made me realize that a life in recovery was beyond anything I had ever wished for.
Prior to receiving these gifts I had been leading a double life, one public and one secret. The secret life caused me such problems that my public live was full of hypocrisy and fear of discovery. I led a life of inner isolation and loneliness that could only be cured by a temporary fix of acting out. This only increased the loneliness. I now have a feeling of belonging, real self respect and a life free of fear.
The resulting gifts are only possible by the earlier gifts, discovery and the program. As strange as it sounds, the gift of recovery became the first gift I received towards my recovery. Hopefully I will experience the many more gifts that recovery has to offer. I know that I will have the same relentless pursuit of them that I had of my addiction.
I know it's the addict voice who resents the optimism I read here and hear in meetings. I know that I am unfairly projecting on to recovery my own cynicism. But if I'm being honest, I feel like it's a tough gift to get.
I imagine someone giving me a fancy piece of gym equipment. It would be a great gift. Shiny, new and full of all kinds of potential great benefits...but I have to put on my gym clothes and use it.
Nevertheless, I can't deny that recovery is changing my relationship with my partner - who had every right to leave me in the dust. And, it has begun an internal dialog that is allowing me to explore my faith in a higher power.
So, ok, I'll put on my sneakers and start the workout. Just don't expect to pretend I'm not sweating or that my muscles aren't sore or that - sometimes - it just sucks.
A beautiful world
Wonderful people
Incredible beauty
Intimacy and love
Total freedom to choose what I want to do
A loving H.P.
Isn't this what happened to us when we opened our eyes, and realized that our sadness, isolation, and misery, was a world created by our mental blindness, and that with the help of others, we could see it!?
It's what is happening to me. My eyes are still foggy, and there maybe some small cataracts still there, but I'm ready for a new world.