Comments (18):

• Ted @ 05/08/2008 ( 5:52:25 PM )
  I have always been uncomfortable with feelings. My M.O. was to stuff my feelings through acting out. I did not want to feel anything. If I was overwhelmed, sad, angry, resentful, I did not know how to process the feelings so I just buried them through my addiction. Recovery is teaching me how to sit with my feelings. It is not always easy and comfortable. But it is something that I know I have to do. But you know what, when I get through, I have processed the feelings and I did not act out. Hey, what was that all about? Healthy behavior. I am still learning and growing and have to still talk to my sponsor when I have feelings that I don't want to sit with. But I know what I need to do so I make the phone call and I try. Today I have a choice and I chose to feel.
• Ally @ 05/11/2008 ( 9:31:04 AM )
  It always seems that we hear what we need to when we go to meetings and today I am reading what I need to on this blog. I have been coming to the S.A.A rooms for six months now, but only have only manage to put one week together in sobriety. I think that is because of the overwelheming feelings. Everytime I got to that ten day mark my feelings would put me in a tailspin and I would use/act out again. This week was different about day five I had a Niagra Falls of feelings (to the point of hyperventalting) and they did not kill me. I thought I was going to pass out but I didn't pass out and obviously did not die either. I have been told by my sponsor and the loving brothers in this program that I am in withdrawl. I have also been told that I will make it to the other side of withdrawl if I just take my day one minute at a time one feeling at a time. Much easier said than done.
• Bevin @ 05/13/2008 ( 6:41:55 PM )
  I had to learn that the painful feelings would subside if I sat with them and that I didn't have to numb them with acting out. On the other side there was a joy I never knew I could feel because I was so busy numbing all my feelings.
• Ally @ 01/20/2009 ( 4:53:42 PM )
  Feelings... oh to feel the feelings. More withdrawal I reread my post from last May and I could have written it last night. I went to my homegroup last night (I really did not want to, but I did) and while I was there listening to a dear brother give his first step my rage and anger disolved to tears, actually sobbing later on. As much as I HATE to cry in front of people especially men I was grateful that I have found a safe place to learn how to feel.
  
  I still struggle greatly with relapsing but I have "turned over" so many acting out behaviour I know that this one too will be taken away from me (I hope!). Thank you so much for this safe place to read and write when I am not able to be at a meeting or talk to fellows in recovery.
• Ted N @ 08/07/2009 ( 9:32:47 PM )
  I have not shared on feelings in a long time so why not tonight. I am not feeling well anyway so it seems apropos. Feelings were a big part of why I acted out. If I was feeling overwhelmed, I acted out. If I was feeling rejected or exclued, I acted out. If I was feeling judged, I acted out. If I was feeling exhausted and run down, I acted out. Basically, I acted out if I had any "Feelings" that I did not want to deal with. I acted out to numb out these feelings so that I would not have to feel them. Today I don't have to do that anymore. Today I know that it is ok to feel feelings. Today I know that I can feel rejected, overwhelmed, judged, etc.... There are two big differences, however. The first is if I do feel any of these, they are not nearly at the level that they were before. The are simply a feeling that I might get, an acknowledgement of the situation that I am in, then I am able to sort it out and let it go most of the time. Because of the work that I have done in this program I know that alot of what I used to take in and hold on to has nothing to do with me and therefore I don't have to hold on to those negative feelings like I used to. I can feel what I need to feel that does in fact have to do with me, process it appropriately, then move on. And the second is, if I do feel any of these, I don't act out over it!!!! Who'd have thunk it! I pray every day for one more day of sobriety and so far I have been able to make it this far. I pray that I will continue to make one day at a time and not have to act out for any reason because I know today that it is not worth anything and feelings are just feelings and it is ok to feel them.
• Ally @ 08/14/2009 ( 12:47:51 PM )
  Wow, feelings. Mostly I still deal with feeling anger, well actually intense rage. But how I deal with it today is so different. Today, literally today not the vague present moment of recovery but today Friday afternoon I said the Serenity Prayer like a million times. Ok it was more like ten but I said it. I made a phone call to a brother in recovery and he suggested I say a gratitude list out loud. Sadly enough I was only able to generate about 20 thoughts. Then I made another phone call this time to an other woman in recovery and my HP is a smart character. Making that second call helped dissolve all the anger and resentments that I had from this morning. So 21 on my list of things to be grateful for.... the tools in this program including the phone.
• John K @ 08/20/2009 ( 12:43:24 PM )
  In the Godfather, there was a scene where a singer is crying to Don Corleone that this agent won't let him out of a contract. He starts to cry and the Don slaps him. "Be a man! Stop crying like a baby!" When my daddy died I was told that I was the man of the house now and I thought that meant that I shouldn't cry either. So I kept emotions corked up for a long time about that. I once visited my father's grave when I was in my twentys and I remember that I feel to my knees and let it all out that day. But emotions kept corked up for a long time have a way of not all getting out. In many ways those other emotions were there and acting out was my outlet for their release. One day at a time, my feelings are explored with my higher power as I seek His guidence and love.
  
  Thanks for reading,
  
  God love you
• Ted N @ 09/12/2009 ( 8:39:41 PM )
  Tonight I feel sad. It has been a quiet night. The gym earlier and some work at my desk. But I feel sad nonetheless. I think it is because there is so much change happening in my life. On the one hand I am excited about things that are happening in my life. I have things happening that I would never dreamed possible and that is only because of working this program. On the other hand I feel as though I am in a transition period. And this transition period has its ups and downs. I feel one chapter of my life coming to an end and another chapter starting. As a result I know that I need to be hyper vigilant with my program. I need to be sure to do what I am supposed to do on a daily and weekly basis to stay sober. I need to keep my program as consistent as possible in these upcoming times of change. But this topic is not about change, it is about feelings. And as long s I continue to work my program, then I know it is safe to feel whatever feelings that I have, be it sad, happy, hurt, or whatever I am. As long as I feel them and process them and then can move on I know I am ok. And just writing about them helps too.
• Ted N @ 09/14/2009 ( 8:29:45 PM )
  Last night and today were all about feelings, feelings that I had not had in a while. Sitting here now I feel much better. Looking back on the past 24 hours I can see where I let my feelings get the best of me. But at the same time, I am glad that I went through what I went through. Everything I experience is for a reason and I need to learn from it. Sometimes I think I move too fast and have too many expectations and as a result I get disappointments and then feelings that I don’t like. But I need to relax and just take thinks as they come and realize that everything is as it should be. There is nothing about me that is any different than it was 2 days ago when I felt great. Tonight we had a great meeting. The topic was Chapter One in our book about our addiction. It was a great reminder of where I came from and where I could easily go if I do not work my program. But it also added to some feelings that I have combined with the feelings that have come up as a result of working my eighth step. I need to keep vigilant with my program and share about these feelings as I work through this step and work through these issues in my life so that I continue to move forward with my recovery and not backward. I like how things are going. I know my life is changing and there are going to be some difficult transitions along the way which may bring up some feelings I don’t like. But the result is going to be great. A continued journey of recovery that I hope to be on as long as I keep doing what I am doing and my Higher Power takes care of me.
• Anon @ 10/07/2009 ( 1:11:19 PM )
  A couple stories about feelings.
  
  1. My father explained to me earliy on that if I could get my customer/opponent etc using their feelings while i remained using my intellect, I would win every time.
  
  2. A therapist early in my AA sobriety asked me how I felt about a particular issue. I began my answer with the words "i think". He stopped me and had me begin again using the words "I feel". After three tries I finally gave up and said "I guess I just don't feel". He said we finally agreed on something but that was changeable.
  
  3. I have always believed that a feeling begins as a thought and the feeling is how one reacts emotionally to that thought. I have spent years trying to convince others that their feeling was not appropriate because the underlying thought was wrong. While that still makes sense to me, ironically I now have feelings that seem unfounded based on the underlying facts!
  
  Today, many years later and relatively new in SAA recovery, I have found that it is changeble but also painful. As I peel back the layers, much like an onion, the layers change back and forth from sensitive to tough. I'm not sure what the core is yet but I'm pushing the envelope on the way there.
• Ted N @ 10/09/2009 ( 8:57:27 PM )
  Feelings – In my active addiction I did whatever I could to numb them out. I did not want to feel anything. If I felt scared, worried, insecure, inadequate, overwhelmed, anything, I would do whatever I could to not feel. It usually involved sex and eventually involved sex and drugs. Luckily today I can feel my feelings more and not have to turn to these two addictions. But I am not perfect and I am still an addict. And I am still working through my steps and still working on some issues. So I recently took a trip to where I used to live and was blindsided by feelings that I did not expect to get. Luckily I did not act out as a result, However, I did reach out to food to try to numb my feelings. Yes, this is better than acting out, but it is not good because it was still a way of trying to not feel what I was feeling. Luckily I was able to stop it after only a few days. And luckily not much damage was done. But it did not feel good. The good news is I learned something from it. And I believe that as long as something is learned then it happened for a reason. I learned that my life up north is over. That is no longer my world. My life is here in S. Florida. Coming to that realization was huge and it made me feel good. It makes things a lot easier for me. Also I learned that I still have work to do with dealing with my emotions. And I need to have more of a plan in place next time I take a trip. But I came back and talked about what happened with my sponsor, therapist, doctor and trainer because I want people to know what I did to help hold myself accountable so that it does not happen again. And with the help of others and with the help of my Higher Power, I pray that I grow from this experience and move forward in my recovery.
• Rick S @ 11/08/2009 ( 9:26:28 AM )
  Anger! Uncontrollable anger!
  
  Anger at the world, at religion, at government, and at mankind,and at times myself. Today I know where my rage comes from, thanks to hours and hours of therapy. However that does not mean I know how to control it.
  
  Rage is with me all the time. Boiling like a pot on the stove. It only takes one little shove for me to explode, and burn down anything or anyone in my way (often including my own family due to proximity).
  
  This is the feeling I sought to ease through acting out. The relief was fleeting at best, and this led me to the addictive cycle we all fall into. Like any addict, eventually I needed more and more acting out to cope, and ultimately my tolerance to my drug of choice built to a point where it did not soothe me. My life became one of continuous acting out with no relief. Then my anger became directed at those preventing me from my acting out, and ultimately at myself for being so weak. Anger from having to lie, and even more anger when my lies were not believed. Torturing everyone around me.
  
  Today the anger is less, due to the love of my wife, who has given me one more chance. I do not want to cause her this pain anymore, and I know if I work the program I can keep it under wraps.
  
  I had built up about six to seven months of sobriety, and my wife noticed the change in my emotions (calm, no anger). Then I began to act out again and the anger and mean words returned. She noticed, she knew what it meant, I lied, and I made her crazy. I am angry at myself for that, but better to seek forgiveness and make amends than wallow in the feeling that brings me destruction and chaos.
  
  I was told yesterday that if I work the program properly, my wife will know, and if I do not, she will know that as well. I see that now, because that is exactly what happened the first time.
  
  I want to work the program so that once again she will know, but also so that I can feel that change in me and be released from these chains of anger.
  
  I WANT TO BE BETTER, I WANT TO GET WELL.
  HELP ME, I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE.
  
  
• Phil @ 11/08/2009 ( 12:53:50 PM )
  When it comes to feelings, I've always been a specialist. I felt depression, frustration and self-contempt. Pretty good knowing in advance how my day will go! I never connected these feelings with acting out, because the feelings became part of my "secret life", separated from my "real" life. All that combo of horrible feelings and painful behavior (to me and others) became part of the whole collage of secret behaviors and false beliefs.
  
  Now, I can see that feelings are just that - feelings. Kipling said something like - "You will be visited by victory and failure. Treat both imposters the same."
  Any feeling is an illusion. Welcome it like a movie, then deal with its disposal like any other used cinema ticket. My goal in this program is to live a life of truth and integrity - not to be a slave to whatever feelings may arise. Thanks to all of my mentors sent by my HP, and my HP, to get me this far on the road to recovery.
• Phil H @ 11/15/2009 ( 3:10:09 PM )
  Shame has been my addict's favorite feeling. Shame will either show up as a memory of what I've done in the past or a new situation will arise that will set me off on the 'Shame Game.' I beat myself up about it and then I'll want to isolate myself. In this isolation I used to 'Act Out' on the computer, or fantasize, or distract myself with food: anything to get away from that feeling of shame. And, surprise surprise, at the end of that I feel shame for doing that! What a perfect cycle to keep in motion.
  
  Thank you to this program I now I see the cycle. I have choice about it. This program has given me the tools to seek my Higher Power, to seek my Sponsor, to seek my Fellows, or even to seek Myself as a witness to the addict. I do find I sometimes seek food or the TV as a way to numb myself, yet this is a far cry from where I was.
  
  There is progress happening in my life. I am present to my old ways and I now have choice. It can be hard to make the right choice. It gets easier every time I choose the real Me.
  
  Thank you for letting me share.
  
• Ted N @ 12/24/2009 ( 9:56:46 PM )
  Tonight I want to share on feelings. I have not been consistent with my sharing lately and I am working on that. But one of the things that is going on for me is feeling my feelings. And I think that I have been getting caught up in them too much. I need to remember that they are just feelings. They it is ok to have my feelings. That in the past I avoided my feelings and did whatever I could to stuff them or numb them. Today it is ok to feel them no matter what they are good or bad. But the difference today is that I have tools from this program to help me process them or deal with them and that is the key. I need to take advantage of these tools. I am getting better at it but I need to be even better still. It is always a process and a journey for me and a lot of work. But I know that the result and continued outcome is always worth it. So for today, I am going to allow myself to feel my feelings and if they are feelings that I may not like, I need to remind myself that I can pick up the phone and talk to someone, or post or journal or pray. I also need to remember my life is truly blessed and I have a lot to be grateful for. So when I really stop to think about things I can very easily chase whatever blues I have away through gratitude. And that is just one of the tools that I have and a good one. Because in days past I would not have been able to do that and I would have spun out of control into my disease. Today I do not have to do that!
• Elijah @ 01/03/2010 ( 9:12:21 PM )
  I read all the comments and I wanted to share something tonight but the truth is I'm having a hard time collecting my thoughts so I will just type and see where it goes.
  
  I appreciate what everyone's shared here... I think it all comes down to feelings really... either feeling them or avoiding them. In my addiction I sought to avoid them and in recovery I seek to feel them instead.
  
  In my own life, I learned at an early age that I didn't like feeling uncomfortable, and it seems like I have always felt anxious or tense or any of the uncomfortable feelings like fear, anger, sadness, etc... all the time!
  
  I'm having a hard time, being new in recovery and not having a "drug" to use to numb myself out or to at least lessen the constant tension I feel from just living... family life, financial pressure, etc.
  
  I know there are positive things I could do like exercising, meditating, praying, being grateful and things like that and that what I am working on.
  
  It feels like I am trying to re-wire my brain and it's so uncomfortable!
• Andy @ 01/13/2010 ( 6:37:35 AM )
  My feelings were always covered up by my addiction. Perhaps they were supressed or pushed into the atrophy of my mind. Maybe they were triggered into my moral unconsciousness and became an excuse to act out. Maybe I didn't know hao to describe my feelings or maybe I DIDN'T FEEL AT ALL? Feelings began to be recognized as I became honest. To understand and feel consciously with words to describe how I feel adds a richness to my life. It allows life to be perceived in colore instead of black and white. My recognized and self described feelings becomes the basis of the reality of my actions. I'm so grateful to be able to feel again and to verbalize honestly how I feel.
  Thanks
• Ted N @ 01/28/2010 ( 3:38:08 AM )
  Day 2 of working my way through the blog and the topic is Feelings – fun. What do I feel today? Well I feel like acting out, that is what I feel. I have spent the better part of the last few hours thinking about it. But guess what, that is so not in the right frame of mind. What ALWAYS gets me out of it is realizing what I want really. And what I want is not to act out. It is not a quick rendezvous. It is not the 30 minute whatever. What I want is a loving, caring relationship. And I want it to mean something. And I will never get that if I act out. That is what always stops me from doing what I get triggered to do. Should I have not sat in it for 3 hours – Yes. But thank God I did not do anything. My Higher Power was looking out for my tonight. I just want to keep doing what I need to do and move forward. But I need to get out of my head. I need to keep myself out of the picture. I need to think of others more. I need to not allow myself to get caught up in my feelings. Yes, recovery is about feeling your feelings. However, we process them and move on. I need to do that. I love how my life is progressing and I don’t want to mess that up. God please help me to stay on the right path and help to properly feel my feelings and not sit in my feelings too long so that I may stay sober one more day. Good Night.

• Out Of Bondage: Memoirs Of A Sex Addict