Comments (21):

• Ted @ 05/07/2008 ( 6:19:25 PM )
  I have been in recovery for almost three years. I started to work the steps in A.A. during my first year of recovery and made it as far as step 5. I was clear that I was not ready. The chaos was still present and I need to hit one more bottom. It was not until I came to the rooms of S.A.A. that I was finally able to identify fully who I was. Yes, I was a drug addict, yes I was a workaholic, yes I was a coadict, but first and formost I was a sexaddict. Sexaddiction ran my life for more than 25 years taking me to places that nearly killed me and getting me addicted to drugs. Through the grace of God I came into recovery and through the not so coincidental series of events I was given the right therapist, found the right home group, got the right sponsor, and started working the steps again. Now 2 1/2 years into my recovery I am finally able to see the insanity of my life for what it was and I am finally able to put together time free from obsession and compulsion of addictive behavior. My life is no longer run by my addiction. I have a long way to go, but I have come a long way. And I did not get here on my own. Left to my own devices I would be most likely dead, but certainly destitute, with no friends or family and surviving on drugs and sex. That is not my life today. Today I have my higher power, my sponser, my home group, and therapist to help me along the way. I look forward to this next year of slowing down and working the rest of my steps in serenity and growing as a healthy recovering adult as I continue on this journey.
• Ally @ 05/07/2008 ( 7:02:11 PM )
  One day at a time is often THE most difficult thing to remember. I too am grateful for the fellowship of S.A.A., I thought being a woman openly admitting to an addiction to sex and not relationships/people, I thought for sure I was going to be judged. Thank God I am not judged, simply accepted exactly how I am at that very moment. I am also grateful for an additional tool in recovery, this blog. Thank you so much.
• Ted @ 05/08/2008 ( 7:32:54 AM )
  This program saved my life!
• Ted N @ 12/26/2008 ( 3:31:56 PM )
  As I near the end of this year I thought it might be good to go back to the beginning of this blog and see how it all started. I am grateful that it is hear to allow to express myself and to share. I am grateful that this program is here because it has allowed me to have a life that is becoming what it has always been meant to be. I have come in out of the shame. I did not realize that shame was at the basis of my disease but I was ashamed of who I was. I let shame drive my life and it fueled my disease. Today it does not have to be that way. Yes, I may still have a slip. But the difference today is that I have honesty instead of shame. I call my sponsor and I tell him what happened. I want no secrets today. I want nothing to keep me sick. I want only health an recovery. Shame Shame go away, come again another day.... No wait - Never come again - BE GONE FOR GOOD!!!!
• ally @ 02/24/2009 ( 12:54:09 PM )
  Come in from the shame.... I think my shame is much greater than it was 15 months ago when I first came to the SAA rooms. I get caught in the should, coulda, woulda's I should know better etc...
  
  I fellow in recovery just this afternoon told me to "come in from the rain" that the rooms of SAA are for all sex addicts.... my feelings of shame are so great I really don't know how I am going to put my foot through the door again.... guess it is good to know that it is there if I am able/willing to ask for the help/guidance to get my foot in that door again.....
• Marvin @ 05/26/2009 ( 12:31:40 PM )
  Shame. It's a daily battle for me. Taking responsibility for what my addict did has been difficult and eventhough I've accepted it, the pain of knowing that I hurt my family (especially my wife) is at times unbearable. At first when I got caught I contemplated suicide but thanks to my higher power, the SAA Fellowship and the friends I've made there, I quickly found the one thing that changed my life....HOPE.
  Hope to make amends, hope to forgive myself and hope that by working the program I'll be forgiven. It does work if you work it and the emotional rollercoaster can be challenging but I see the changes in me and I like what I see. The shame is still there but now I know what it takes to get past it.
• Ted N @ 07/21/2009 ( 9:08:21 PM )
  I have been spending alot of time this past week with newcomers that have less than one month sobriety. I have heard some of their story and I have shared some of mine. In so doing I can hear some of their fear about what to do and shame about what they have done. I am so happy to be able to carry the message to them. However, what is so great even more than that is to sit there and realize where I am in my program. To realize that I have no fear or shame about where I came from. To realize that I can look at my past and learn from it, not regret it, nor shut the door on it, but just know that it is there and know that I never want to go back, but always move forward from it. I know that without my past I would not be the person that I am today. Without those lessons I would not be where I am today. Without that pain I might not have found the solution that I found today. So I am grateful for everything that has happened so far. And I am grateful for this program which keeps me living a life of healthy behaviors.
• Phil H @ 08/01/2009 ( 2:15:28 PM )
  Before entering the door of SAA my shame had reduced my self esteem to nil. I feel this low self esteem led me to lie to people. I would anything to try and get my self esteem back. I based my self esteem on how people viewed me. I felt that if I could look good in front of someone then I would gain self esteem. I would say what ever I thought they wanted to hear so that I would look good in front of them.
  
  Sometimes that meant accepting to do things that I didn’t really wanted to do. It felt good to make someone happy. There’d be a moment of feeling happy, and then the regret and burden of realizing that I had more stuff to do now. When it came to completing the task I’d do it at half measure and be resentful about it.
  
  Other times I would lie, especially if I had been caught doing or not doing something. With my self esteem low already, there was no way I wanted to look bad, so I would lie, to cover up what ever it was. To be caught would mean the other person would be disappointed in me. For me that would have reduced my self esteem further. To lie would have me save face and at least keep the little amount of esteem I had. Then my life would become trying to cover up that lie, or at least buy so time to hopefully complete it before the lie was found.
  
  All these controlling strategies put pressure and burden on me, resulting in my self esteem getting less and less over time, which would encourage me to accept to do things or lie even more. Hence, the vicious cycle was complete.
  
  Now, having stepped into the room, with the help of my fellows, my sponsor and my higher power, my focus has shifted to being proud of who I am and doing things that make me proud. It’s a daily mantra that has me take each moment with a commitment to myself and my sobriety. It’s a simpler life where I don’t have to strategize as much. My self esteem is building and manageability is returning. It’s not easy, though when I do make myself proud it is an awesome feeling that I want to repeat again and again.
  
  Thank you for listening.
  
• John K. @ 08/09/2009 ( 9:42:45 AM )
  My greest fear about my disease is that people would find out about what I do behind closed doors, what thoughts run through my head. When I objectify a pretty woman and she sees my eyes glaring at her, I turn away in shame wondering what does she think of me now. And that feeds my anger therefore my addiction.
  Coming to seek recovery in SAA is simple but not always easy. One can be triggered to want a drink but if they are not near a bar, they have time to think and the emotion driving the urge may give way to saying that was close. Our disease is a disease that can be triggered by thought, and what we may need to satisfy it is an empty bathroom with the risk of getting caught.There is shame in that but our marker chips say from Shame to Grace. I choose grace today.
  
  Thanks for reading.
• Mitch G @ 09/18/2009 ( 12:57:30 PM )
  Hi I'm Mitch 23, been sober for 5 weeks, doing ok. Thats all I have to say. Thanks
• Anon @ 10/07/2009 ( 12:41:44 PM )
  Define shame. Is it the feeling inside that masquerades as guilt when you look at your wife after a relapse? Is it the way you avert the eyes of the next "client" at the massage parlor? Is it the feeling you get as you walk in the door of the bordello, yet refuse to turn away? Or does it predate all of these and refer to the issues you brought, through no fault of your own, into your adult life from your youth? I don't even understand the word but I know fully that I would feel it if my "neighbors" knew they insides of me rather than the outsides.
• Dan @ 10/23/2009 ( 12:30:01 PM )
  One day at a time... so simple, yet so hard. I have struggled with desease for years, as recovery has not come easily to me. I do want to recover, and I do know that I am a sex addict. I dont deny that.
  
  I am thankful for this program, and group. i am thnakful that everytime I walk in, and take a white chip I am not judged , or even worse ridiculed for my past failures. I will keep coming back, b/c I know that I dont stand a chance in life without recovery, which for me can only come from these rooms, as well as a spiritual connection. For all of my failings in staying sober... i have 1. been honest 2. kept coming back. I love that there is HOPE .... HOPE is what keeps me going, and wanting to fight , and be in this. I feel good right now, as I type these words... just like when I go to a meeting. I always feel better after a meeting
  
  Thanks
• phil @ 11/07/2009 ( 12:38:29 PM )
  I found out I was a sex addict in late July, 2009. The insight was powerful and overwhelming. My initial thought was how could I not have SEEN this in myself! How could I have not KNOWN! Now I know about impaired thinking and not being able to recognize the reality or the enormity of our problem. The shame for me comes from knowing that what I did was wrong, and from the lying that comes from trying to cover up. As I strive for truth, I feel that the shame will come under control I don't know whether wanting to eliminate the acting out, or the desire to be truthful comes first. Maybe it doesn't matter. It's easy to tell the truth if you have nothing to lie about!
  
  I have been ashamed to be the person with a secret life - now I want to live in the open, and be the person that I truly want to be.
• Rick S @ 11/07/2009 ( 1:59:58 PM )
  I have been in this program for a little over a year, and as of today I have 48 hours of sobriety. That statement alone causes me to feel shame. I have been living in my addiction for the past three to four months. Lying to my wife, my family, my therapist, my fellow SAA members, but most importantly to myslef. I know I am a sex addict, yet I believed I could control the disease.
  
  My wife caght me in my addiction a couple of days ago. Talk about shame! She threw me out of the house, and I had to move in with my mother, and explain to her why. More shame.
  
  I am an addict, and if I do not get help through this program this disease will kill me. I have heard this same statement from many members, and today it rings true for me. Maybe that means I have finally turned down the path to help myself.
  
  Today I sat in therapy with my wife. After a year of therapy, we are back at square one.
  The word shame cannot describe my anguish. However, I am committed to my recovery. I was not before. She has agreed to give me one last chance. Honestly, I probably don't deserve it, I can't believe she can even look at me. It won't be easy, but I am turning myself over to the program. It is the only chance I have to be whole, and it is my last chance to keep my family.
  
  Today, I have a new word...Hope.
• Elijah @ 12/11/2009 ( 11:10:14 PM )
  I'm new in the program and I've never even realized how much my life has been driven by shame. I am noticing that I have a ton of shame, and it surprises me because I wouldn't have thought that a few weeks ago. But, as I start to review my life; my actions and my behaviors over time, I see there's shame everywhere and also sex addiction.
  
  A few weeks ago, I didn't even know I was a sex addict, but now, as I look back, I can see things in my life all the way back to when I was a kid.
  
  I'm twelve days sober right now and finding it hard to stay away from my addictive behaviors... I'm doing it, but just barely sometimes. So many thoughts, fantasies, ideas, etc... They are like old friends calling to me... wanting me to come back and play.
  
  I'm trying to remember that feeling of hope I had when I went to my first meeting and realized that this was my problem and also my solution.
• Ted N @ 12/17/2009 ( 12:15:24 AM )
  This is a good topic for me today and I am going to add a little to it. I am going to call it coming in from the shame and the fear because my life was run by shame and fear. Well, today it is not. Today I face things head on. And I am not even sure if that is the right way to say it. Today I live life on life’s term’s. I accept things as they are and I work with them. I don’t try to control then. And today I can take care of myself and know what that means. And as a result I have a freedom about me that I can live my life how I want and have a healthy relationship with myself and with others. All of this is possible because I came in from the shame and the fear. Today I received a call from my brother who has not been talking to me for 4 years. A couple years ago, even a few months I may not have answered the phone out of fear of what he might want to say to me or how I would feel talking to him. Today I answered it. I answered it because I had nothing to fear. I knew that no matter what he said it would have no impact on how I felt about me. I knew that if he started to abuse me all I had to do was hang up. IT felt good to not be afraid of him. That is a feeling that I have not had if years. And that is not about him, that is about the growth in me. Because whatever power he had over me, I gave him. I was so empty inside that I allowed other people to take over and run me to my final detriment. Well all of that is behind me now. I can look ahead to a great future and today I can look at a great day because that is all the matters is right now.
• Andy @ 01/06/2010 ( 8:26:49 PM )
  Shame, such a stark word. I felt totally worthless, not necessarily for what I did but for who I thought I was. Shame was always waiting for me after I acted out. I wanted to evaporate.
  Sharing in the rooms, listening to others share, working the steps, making phone calls, doing service and helping others are a few of the things that have helped me come in from the shame. I now try to live in the honest light of recovery gathering my dignity in peace.
• Diana @ 01/11/2010 ( 10:45:21 PM )
  I have thirteen days sober today. I can see that shame makes me very reactive. I get this knee-jerk reaction with people that makes me get nasty, attack people verbally, further embarass myself. People seem to see my deficits and lacks and respond to me so weird, which frustrates me. That causes me to back away and isolate, which just keeps me stuck. I didn't get what was going on - that it starts from shame. I'm really not seeing this very clearly yet. Thanks for sharing what shame's about.
• Diana @ 01/11/2010 ( 11:01:08 PM )
  I've got thirteen days today - against a lifetime of acting out. I wonder just how big the shame I feel is. I'm just learning that I get really reactive, nasty, verbally attacking, further embarassing myself when I feel shame. Then I pull away from the person, shut the door with them. Isolate a little more and my planet gets one smaller and the ocean of shame gets bigger. Its hard for me to imagine a solution, but I feel like I came to the right place (for a change)to start recovery.
• Ted N @ 01/26/2010 ( 11:05:23 PM )
  I want to keep an open mind. I don’t want to get stuck in my head or in my ideas or my judgements. I don’t want to walk away or isolate or resent. I want to be sober and I want to be part of the fellowship that got me sober. I need to share on this blog because it helps me stay sober. I think I am going to do what my sponsor has suggested to so many others and start at the first post and go from there as opposed to popping around and finding a topic on which to share.
  
  I came in from the shame 3 years ago when I had no where else to go. This is where I came. I felt like I was in the right place. I knew I was as soon as I walked in the door. That is why this place is so important to me and I get so passionate about it. I led a life of acting out and shame based secrets. Today my life is different. I still have a lot of work to do. However, life is completely different than it was 4 years ago and I have grown a lot. I need to remember what blessings I have and how I can be of service to others. And I need to keep working my steps so that I can continue to be of service to others and to my Higher Power and to myself. This was actually a perfect topic for me tonight. Funny how that works.
  
• Ted N @ 05/09/2010 ( 7:58:59 PM )
  So here I am again. But I feel good right now about where I am. I hate that I have to experiment but I always figure something out when I do. What I continue to learn is that acting out is not the answer. It does not make me feel better about me. It continues to propel me into isolation and unmanageability two things which I hate and want to stay away from. As I get further away from my last acting out I can feel the calmness coming back and the peace coming back and I like it. I need to work my program more and more and put it first. It is something that I have done before and I can do it again. This program saved my life and has given me so much to be grateful for and I cannot forget that.

• Out Of Bondage: Memoirs Of A Sex Addict